.....

Lord, here i stand
my hands held open,
like a child.

waiting, waiting, waiting
for Your goodness poured out,
and quickly it comes.

Lord, here i am
with my heart open wide,
bitterness flies away.

trying, trying, trying
to become all that i am to be,
and You mold me.

Lord, here i cry
my eyes open wide,
and You show me

patiently, patiently, patiently
You have fought every battle,
and You have won victory.

Beat me up...

"Get a friend to tell you your faults, or better still, welcome an enemy who will watch you keenly and sting you savagely. What a blessing such an irritating critic will be to a wise man, what an intolerable nuisance to a fool" C. H. Spurgeon

For all of you who consider me your friend, I'm asking you to act like this enemy.

I know that I am full of faults. I have a hard time seeing the truth. I have a hard time with trust, growth and change.

Since I want to be wise and not the fool that I am please do this for me. Point out my faults, my shortcomings, my foolishness. Don't let me rest. Make me get it right.

I'm very broken and confused right now. I need your help. Help me become who I am meant to be....

He hears...

last night i prayed really hard about a certain situation.
i just got my answer.
it's not what i wanted to hear at all.
but i knew, i knew...
it doesn't surprise me.
but it still sucks.
but He is still sovereign.
somehow He can work through my foolishness...
and i pray He will.

The Storm

my eyes have once again been opened...

thunder storms.
most people fear them.
there was a time when once i was among them.
then my eyes where opened.

how can man stand in defiance of God?
can a man cause a lightning bolt to sear the skies?
can a man make the thunder shake the earth?
can a man produce a single raindrop?

NAY!
it is not so.

it is the Almighty who alone directs the lightning.
He alone sets the volume of the thunder.
and He alone knows the number of the raindrops splashing from the sky.

storms are His glory displayed.
His majesty revealed.
His power made known.

we bow in humble reverence.
in awe.
in worship.

nuthin' but praise

so it's too much to go into, but i would be very much amiss if i did not take a minute to say "Thank You Lord". in the last week He has been so random and good to me. it is truly amazing how much my life has changed in the last few months. the race isn't over, but for now it's on level ground...thanks be to God...

Elder is emo....

By way of warning, this is going to be another crazy emotional and rambling post. I often get overwhelmed by life and sometimes my emotions attack me suddenly. Today is one of those days.

On one hand, I'm extremely excited. I just got the call that I have a new job! I will have better hours and be making 3 dollars more an hour. Also, if I decided that I wanted to work more, I will have TONS more flexibility and control in making that decision. And on a lazy note, the job is going to be easier than what I'm doing now. No more stock! No more dealing with drunk men hitting on me! (which is the only kind of men that hit on me!) No more going into the freezer which maintains a toasty -10.

On the other hand, I'm still me. :) That in itself presents a host of problems. I feel like I'm so messed up. I don't trust my feelings. I don't trust my thoughts. I don't trust my decisions. I don't trust anything because I'm afraid of trusting the wrong thing. I was encouraged by Jr. to go see Little Miss Sunshine. So, the Cool Yankee and I went. A line that stuck out to me was when Olive's grandfather said to her, "The real losers are the ones who are too afraid to even get out there and try". That's me. My whole life I've been afraid to try. Why try when it seems all I do is fail?

But I haven't failed. In my head I know that. I have only had two grades below a B in my life. In middle school I got a F in social studies and that was due to a bad teacher...true story, she taught social studies for one semster and was replaced (although she continued to teach english). The other was a C in high school chemistry. Flat out, that class kicked my asp. I'm not saying I'm smart. But I do work hard. One of the few things I can say I like about myself.

And for some strange reason, I have friends. It's hard for me to understand, but I'm trying my best to believe it when they say they love me. I just ran into a guy friend....blast! Not bad that I ran into him, but I think that's what really got all this going in my heart. Guys. Double blast! Even though I'm trying to believe that friends love me, it's even harder to believe a man could love me forever and actually want to live with me! Sometimes I feel so silly to even think about it. I mean, is it really that big of a deal? In a way, no it's not a big deal. God is all I need. I know that sounds cliche but that doesn't take away the truth of the statement. Yet, God has made us for relationship. In women, there is a wire somewhere connected to the brain that continually sends messages of longing for husband and family. I'll cut that wire if I can ever find it. Until then, I know I have to keep hanging on to God with all that I've got. And even if I do get married, for it to work out, I'll still have to keep hanging on to God with all my strength.

Ah, what a long and winding road it is that lies at my feet. I have been encouraged to work hard and to overcome. I know with God's grace I can but, oh! Right now I'm so weary. Maybe I just need to take a nap and stop typing.....

*sniff*

So I' m really sad right now. Like, the coolest freakin' yankee in the world decided to go home and she's on her way there now. Farewell, sweet sister. I hope to see your smiling face again soon....

Shot down...

I found out today that the guy I had a crush on has zero interest in me. Can't say that it surprises me. Ah well. At least now I know. Better to find out now and not later. I am a tidbit disappointed but really I'm ok with it. I also had a really encouraging discussion with a friend's wife about guys and marriage etc. I still think that I'm probably on the "Single Forever" list, but that may be just my emotion getting in the way again and God has other plans. I sure as heck hope He does. But I know that I have to seek His glory first. So if being single brings Him the most glory, hey, I'm down with that.

I am this sheep...to God be the glory and praise!

On one of her daily walks, a woman visiting Switzerland happened upon a sheepfold. Venturing in, she saw the shepherd lovingly tending a sheep, which was lying on a pile of straw apart from the rest of the flock.

"It's leg is broken", the shepherd offered. Upon inquiring how such an unfortunate thing could happen, the shepherd sadly shook his head and explained that he had intentionally broken it. "Of all the sheep in my flock, this was the most wayward. It would not obey my voice and would not follow where I was leading the flock. On more than one occasion, it wandered to the edge of a perilous cliff. And not only was it disobedient-it was also leading my other sheep astray. I had no choice but to break its leg".

Shocked, the visitor exclaimed, "But what will happen when it walks again? It won't follow you after what you've done to it!"

"Not so", replied the wise shepherd. "After I broke its leg, I took the lamb some food and it tried to bite me. But after letting it lie alone hungry for a couple of days, I went back. It not only eagerly took the food, but licked my hand and showed every sign of submission and affection".

"And now", he continued, "when this sheep is well, it will be the model sheep of my entire flock. No sheep will hear my voice so quickly or follow so closely. It will be an example of devotion and obedience. Breaking its leg was an act of kindness. Through its sufferings, it will have learned to follow".

WOW

Taken from Mary Kassian Coversation Peace, 225-226 (Wow added by me!)

Thursday's Thoughts...Very Random Thoughts

My brain has been bouncing all over the flippin' place in the last few days. I guess that is nothing new really, but here's a rundown...

Unfortunately, I am developing a crush on this guy who shall remain nameless. And I'm upset about it. I don't ever want to fall in love again...unless by some miracle he loves me back. Hasn't ever happened before, but could it happen? I'm skeptical. So if you have any thoughts about how to defeat these feelings, please let me know. Because the more I try to fight them off, the more they mulitply and attack. Like zombies.

It frustrates me because I want to be close to people and I don't know how. I'm so used to taking care of myself physically and emotionally, I don't know how to be vulnerable and let others in. And so people think of me as an indepedent snob. But the truth is I'm aching inside to have genuine relationships.

That makes me think of home. One thing I miss about being in a small town and knowing everyone is the hugs. I got tons of hugs everyday. I don't know if it's the culture or what, but hugs are rare here. And I miss it. I miss being little too. Letting the mud in the garden squish between my toes after a good rain. Putting up the Christmas tree. Family dinners together.

I'm such an emotional freak. Intellecutally, I know nothing. I'm all emotion and no brain. So I'm thankful for friends with brains that have kept me from a big mistake. I think that if I had gone to an emergent church without the friends that I have, I would have been sold hook, line and sinker. I'm so bad about things like that. But I've realized why emergent churches will ultimately fail. They invite you to feel God, to experience Him. But how can you feel or experience someone you don't know? If you throw out the truth about God, how can you know Him? If decided to forget everything I knew about my best friend, would she still be my best friend? Arguably not. For without those memories we would not be friends at all. I would not know her and therefore I could not experience a friendship with her.

I'm glad I'm learning good theology. A customer at my work almost stole a .69 bag of candy yesterday. She forgot to pay for it. So if she had taken it, it would've been a total accident. She was in the lane behind me when it happened and she turned to me with wide eyes and said, "I would've been answerable to God for that. Wouldn't that be something? To not get in heaven over a 69 cent bag of candy?!" Wow. I didn't know what to say. I'm so thankful that the truth of the matter is that we all sin. Daily. Grossly. But if we have put our faith in Christ, we are forgiven. God does take sin seriously. Stealing candy, intentional or unintentional is sinning and would be judged. But how awesome it is to have a God who "remebers that we are dust". (Ps 103:14) and deals with us with mercy.

Today in class we were discussing 2 Corinthians 12:1-10. One of my biggest complaints about myself these days is that I am so weak, emotionally and spiritually. This reminded me that it's ok to be weak. God is all the strength I need. I boast in Him not in me. So the size of my spiritual/emotional biceps doesn't even matter.

My randomness is almost at a close....

"Here's a riddle for ya
Find the answer
There's a reason for the world
You and I"

maybe not

i was so going to pour my heart out...heh. changed my mind after i realized how ridiculous i would sound. i'm only posting this to let you guys know i do this all the time. i promise i do exercise some control over my ramblings, and if you can believe it, i think of more stupid stuff than just what i post. true story.

depressed maniac returns

so i warned that i would be blogging alot, and i am.
and i warned that my posts would be all over the chart.
so far, i've been pretty upbeat. now for the slide down.

i just back from hanging out with a group of friends. 2 of them i know pretty well. the others i'm getting to know. so the problem? i'm a moron. i really want to know how much of who i am is my responsibility. am i fat because God wanted me to be or because i ate too much? am i a dork because it was God's good pleasure for me to be a dork or because i spent most of my time growing up alone and i don't know how to be normal?

people always comment on my lack of talk. our gracious host tonight, when i said it was time for me to go said, "You know what, those are the first words you've said all night." i'm that way 1) because i like to hear other people talk. i like seeing how different points of view and different personalities can all come together and have intelligent conversation and form relationships that go beyond surface level "hi's" and "how are you's". 2) i don't feel like i have much to say. i'm not smart. i don't know philosophy. i don't know movie quotes. i don't know how to frame good questions. when asked a question, i usual give a dumb answer or am forced to admit that i don't know. there's so much i don't know. so much i want to learn. but it seems my brain doesn't want to learn. and then my flippin' emotions get in the way. when i'm overwhelmed, i can't think straight.

how, HOW do i overcome all this weakness and stupidity? how do i start from square one and become a genuine person instead of a ghost? for that's what i feel i am. a ghost, walking through life. something i wrote before in a letter:
One of my favorite stories is A Christmas Carol. In it, the ghost of Marley is speaking of his wandering through the earth as a specter and he says that he “is doomed to wander through the world and witness what he can not share but might have shared and turned to happiness”. I see a group of friends talking and I know that even if I were around my friends, whatever it is in me that makes me a horrible talker would prevent me from having that kind of fellowship and conversation with anyone. As long as people just let me listen to them talk, I’m fine but if asked a question I get nervous, and even if I know the answer my mind goes blank.
i am so frustrated with myself. i am not at all the person that i want to be. and i have no clue how to get from point a to point b. i keep trying to push myself, but to no avail. i guess i need to read my post from earlier....

FIGHT!!

"Success is never final; failure is never fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts". Winston Churchill

I honestly don't know where Mr. Churchill was in relation to the Gospel during his lifetime, but what an awesome quote for us who are Christians!!

"Success is never final". We never "arrive". We cannot trust our victories in the past to sustain us in the present or protect us in the future. There is a long and winding road fraught with trouble that we must run down, and called to run we are... "Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us" Heb 12.1. Too often I give up and sit down on the roadside and cry. Or worse yet, I look for shortcuts or routes that are more fun (and thus sinful because I have left the road). Running is hard work. Of all forms of exercise, running has to be my least favorite. I only like running if I feel like I'm running to something. For instance, I like running through the woods because I feel like I'm exploring, seeing what's around the next bend and over the next hill. But still, after awhile, I get tired and want to give up. The Christian life is like that. Even when we know we are running Home to Christ, we get tired and want to quit. It is in those times that we must run the hardest and focus on our goal, the will and pleasure of our King.

"Failure is never fatal". Oh how I need to be reminded of this! One of my greatest fears is failure. Maybe it is my greatest fear. Consequently, I don't try. If given a challenge, I play possum, I roll up and act dead, or at least comatose. And therefore, I don't really live. I sit wondering what could happen if I got out there and DID something. I'm slowly but surely becoming more bold. By the grace of God, I will become as bold as He wishes me to be. But for now I need to remember that failure is not fatal. When I fail, which seems to be daily, I have to keep running, no matter how bruised and broken I am.

"It is the courage to continue that counts". Continuing. Persevering. Some of the hardest aspects of life are summed up in those words. It takes great courage to fail, to sin, to be ignored, to be hurt and yet to refuse to give up or to give in.

My favorite trilogy is...well, most of you know what's coming...The Lord of the Rings. In the Return of the King, Gandalf is leading the forces of Gondor against the armies of Mordor. In one scene, a huge battering ram is being used to knock down the gate of the City (brownie points to the person who can tell me the name of the ram, and yes it has a name). Gandalf looks to the soliders whose courage is floundering and shouts, "You are soliders of Gondor. No matter what comes through that gate, you will stand your ground!" We too are called to stand our ground no matter what comes through the "Gates" of our lives. Earlier in the movie, when the hosts of Mordor first begin the battle, after knocking out the cowardly and mad Denethor, Gandalf cries out, "Prepare for battle! Defend the Walls!...FIGHT!" This too is our call. We are to daily prepare for battle, to defend what is true and right and to fight to the death no matter what. "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day..." Eph. 6.12-13. No, our fight is not against orcs, trolls and Ringwraiths. Our fight is against our sins, our world and the devil. We are not fighting orcs and our weapons are not swords (though I wish I owned one!). But we are to fight just as passionately and skillfully. We are to live so that in the end we can say with Paul, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith" 2 Tim4.7.

A Lesson Learned in March

In class yesterday, when my professor was speaking on the subject of fasting, from Matthew 6, he pointed out the promise that God will repay us for our faithfulness in fasting. Then he added, "And none of the blessings of God are worthless." This statement speared me right to the heart. How often I take God's blessings for granted! A friend reminded me the other day that life is made up of the small everyday things that happen to us. There are few "big things" that happen in life. So I realized today that I have been sitting around waiting for some big event to happen in my life all the while ignoring the small things that happen everyday as a result of God's love and providence. These "small things" are actually pretty amazing: I'm alive, I'm forgiven, I'm in seminary, I'm provided for, I have friends (and no I don't pay them) and the list could go on. To make this even more ridiculous, I don't even know what the big thing is that I've been waiting for! Then tonight as I was praying, I realized that I and everyone I know needs to be convicted of two things: sin and hope. We need to be convicted of our sin. We often say we are, but how often do we realize the severity and horrible nature of sin? Our righteousness stinks to God. How much more our sin! We are corrupt, fallen. And we live in a corrupt fallen world. As I write this, someone is being murdered, a husband is being cheated on, a woman is being raped, a person in despair is contemplating suicide. But yet in the midst of all this there is hope! I am convinced that just as we need to be convicted of our sin, we need to be convicted of the hope we have in Jesus Christ! The hope that we have in Him is not a light and abstract concept! It is real and it is life-giving. I am prone to one of two extremes. Either I say to myself, "Ok, I'm a Christian so I have to smile and act happy and listen to good music etc" and all the while I'm hiding my pain and fallenness or I swing to the other side and wallow in despair blinding myself to the Light. We all need to stand firm in the hope of the Gospel. On one side is darkness, death, blood and guilt on the other is life, light, and forgiveness. Where we live is where these two meet and the Gospel is the only way to maintain our sanity and our godliness. The Gospel affirms the horror of sin and gives us proof of God's overwhelming love and mercy. So, let us not be fake and act as if nothing is wrong with us or the world. Let us be real and transparent. But also, let us not sink in despair and hopelessness. Remember forever that we are weak and sinful. But Jesus will save those who call upon His name and bless them with hope.

Illusions of romance...

the bitterness of my heart set aside, i still long for someone to love
so i’ve accepted the fact that i probably will never marry
but somehow that still doesn’t take away the ache
oh how many times have i seen a beautiful sight
and wanted to say, hey look at that!
but there is no one there
words cannot retell what i’ve seen
so i keep my experience to myself
and it dies

my fingers were born to fly

so it's been really rough on me these last few months while i haven't been writing. even though i am horrible at it, writing is therapy for me. when i'm upset, angry or just have alot on my mind, there is nothing like my fingers flying across the keyboard, just letting all my bitterness bleed out in words. all my presuppositions about life and most of my dreams have been shattered. the one dream i have left that i hold dear to my heart is one day publishing a book. whether or not that ever happens waits to be seen...for now, to the blog! i will probably be writing tons in the next week or so giving vent to all that has been bouncing around in the space where my brain is supposed to be. i might even post some old stuff just for a clearer picture of me and who i am and where i'm coming from...fly, fingers, fly.

Disclaimer

So this is now my 3rd blog. Blog number one was deleted for the same reason that I felt this disclaimer was necessary. In the midst of posting to that blog, I started reading other people's blogs. Not only was their writing superior to mine, but their focus was much more God-centered. So out of a sense of shame for my shortcomings, I killed it. My old url, www.me-vs-me.blogspot.com is now the home of a mexican gentleman. It's all in Spanish of course, but he has some interesting pics if you want to check it out. Blog #2 was more of a filler and I think I posted once! So here we go with 3. Feel free to read and to comment. But please, don't expect too much from me. Those who know me well know that I'm going through alot of pain and growth right now and so my posts will probably range from depressed maniac to joyful saint. Please give me room to grow and grace in the process. Here we go!!