Elder is emo....
By way of warning, this is going to be another crazy emotional and rambling post. I often get overwhelmed by life and sometimes my emotions attack me suddenly. Today is one of those days.
On one hand, I'm extremely excited. I just got the call that I have a new job! I will have better hours and be making 3 dollars more an hour. Also, if I decided that I wanted to work more, I will have TONS more flexibility and control in making that decision. And on a lazy note, the job is going to be easier than what I'm doing now. No more stock! No more dealing with drunk men hitting on me! (which is the only kind of men that hit on me!) No more going into the freezer which maintains a toasty -10.
On the other hand, I'm still me. :) That in itself presents a host of problems. I feel like I'm so messed up. I don't trust my feelings. I don't trust my thoughts. I don't trust my decisions. I don't trust anything because I'm afraid of trusting the wrong thing. I was encouraged by Jr. to go see Little Miss Sunshine. So, the Cool Yankee and I went. A line that stuck out to me was when Olive's grandfather said to her, "The real losers are the ones who are too afraid to even get out there and try". That's me. My whole life I've been afraid to try. Why try when it seems all I do is fail?
But I haven't failed. In my head I know that. I have only had two grades below a B in my life. In middle school I got a F in social studies and that was due to a bad teacher...true story, she taught social studies for one semster and was replaced (although she continued to teach english). The other was a C in high school chemistry. Flat out, that class kicked my asp. I'm not saying I'm smart. But I do work hard. One of the few things I can say I like about myself.
And for some strange reason, I have friends. It's hard for me to understand, but I'm trying my best to believe it when they say they love me. I just ran into a guy friend....blast! Not bad that I ran into him, but I think that's what really got all this going in my heart. Guys. Double blast! Even though I'm trying to believe that friends love me, it's even harder to believe a man could love me forever and actually want to live with me! Sometimes I feel so silly to even think about it. I mean, is it really that big of a deal? In a way, no it's not a big deal. God is all I need. I know that sounds cliche but that doesn't take away the truth of the statement. Yet, God has made us for relationship. In women, there is a wire somewhere connected to the brain that continually sends messages of longing for husband and family. I'll cut that wire if I can ever find it. Until then, I know I have to keep hanging on to God with all that I've got. And even if I do get married, for it to work out, I'll still have to keep hanging on to God with all my strength.
Ah, what a long and winding road it is that lies at my feet. I have been encouraged to work hard and to overcome. I know with God's grace I can but, oh! Right now I'm so weary. Maybe I just need to take a nap and stop typing.....
On one hand, I'm extremely excited. I just got the call that I have a new job! I will have better hours and be making 3 dollars more an hour. Also, if I decided that I wanted to work more, I will have TONS more flexibility and control in making that decision. And on a lazy note, the job is going to be easier than what I'm doing now. No more stock! No more dealing with drunk men hitting on me! (which is the only kind of men that hit on me!) No more going into the freezer which maintains a toasty -10.
On the other hand, I'm still me. :) That in itself presents a host of problems. I feel like I'm so messed up. I don't trust my feelings. I don't trust my thoughts. I don't trust my decisions. I don't trust anything because I'm afraid of trusting the wrong thing. I was encouraged by Jr. to go see Little Miss Sunshine. So, the Cool Yankee and I went. A line that stuck out to me was when Olive's grandfather said to her, "The real losers are the ones who are too afraid to even get out there and try". That's me. My whole life I've been afraid to try. Why try when it seems all I do is fail?
But I haven't failed. In my head I know that. I have only had two grades below a B in my life. In middle school I got a F in social studies and that was due to a bad teacher...true story, she taught social studies for one semster and was replaced (although she continued to teach english). The other was a C in high school chemistry. Flat out, that class kicked my asp. I'm not saying I'm smart. But I do work hard. One of the few things I can say I like about myself.
And for some strange reason, I have friends. It's hard for me to understand, but I'm trying my best to believe it when they say they love me. I just ran into a guy friend....blast! Not bad that I ran into him, but I think that's what really got all this going in my heart. Guys. Double blast! Even though I'm trying to believe that friends love me, it's even harder to believe a man could love me forever and actually want to live with me! Sometimes I feel so silly to even think about it. I mean, is it really that big of a deal? In a way, no it's not a big deal. God is all I need. I know that sounds cliche but that doesn't take away the truth of the statement. Yet, God has made us for relationship. In women, there is a wire somewhere connected to the brain that continually sends messages of longing for husband and family. I'll cut that wire if I can ever find it. Until then, I know I have to keep hanging on to God with all that I've got. And even if I do get married, for it to work out, I'll still have to keep hanging on to God with all my strength.
Ah, what a long and winding road it is that lies at my feet. I have been encouraged to work hard and to overcome. I know with God's grace I can but, oh! Right now I'm so weary. Maybe I just need to take a nap and stop typing.....
posted by Elder at 9:11 PM
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