depressed maniac returns
so i warned that i would be blogging alot, and i am.
and i warned that my posts would be all over the chart.
so far, i've been pretty upbeat. now for the slide down.
i just back from hanging out with a group of friends. 2 of them i know pretty well. the others i'm getting to know. so the problem? i'm a moron. i really want to know how much of who i am is my responsibility. am i fat because God wanted me to be or because i ate too much? am i a dork because it was God's good pleasure for me to be a dork or because i spent most of my time growing up alone and i don't know how to be normal?
people always comment on my lack of talk. our gracious host tonight, when i said it was time for me to go said, "You know what, those are the first words you've said all night." i'm that way 1) because i like to hear other people talk. i like seeing how different points of view and different personalities can all come together and have intelligent conversation and form relationships that go beyond surface level "hi's" and "how are you's". 2) i don't feel like i have much to say. i'm not smart. i don't know philosophy. i don't know movie quotes. i don't know how to frame good questions. when asked a question, i usual give a dumb answer or am forced to admit that i don't know. there's so much i don't know. so much i want to learn. but it seems my brain doesn't want to learn. and then my flippin' emotions get in the way. when i'm overwhelmed, i can't think straight.
how, HOW do i overcome all this weakness and stupidity? how do i start from square one and become a genuine person instead of a ghost? for that's what i feel i am. a ghost, walking through life. something i wrote before in a letter:
One of my favorite stories is A Christmas Carol. In it, the ghost of Marley is speaking of his wandering through the earth as a specter and he says that he “is doomed to wander through the world and witness what he can not share but might have shared and turned to happiness”. I see a group of friends talking and I know that even if I were around my friends, whatever it is in me that makes me a horrible talker would prevent me from having that kind of fellowship and conversation with anyone. As long as people just let me listen to them talk, I’m fine but if asked a question I get nervous, and even if I know the answer my mind goes blank.
i am so frustrated with myself. i am not at all the person that i want to be. and i have no clue how to get from point a to point b. i keep trying to push myself, but to no avail. i guess i need to read my post from earlier....
and i warned that my posts would be all over the chart.
so far, i've been pretty upbeat. now for the slide down.
i just back from hanging out with a group of friends. 2 of them i know pretty well. the others i'm getting to know. so the problem? i'm a moron. i really want to know how much of who i am is my responsibility. am i fat because God wanted me to be or because i ate too much? am i a dork because it was God's good pleasure for me to be a dork or because i spent most of my time growing up alone and i don't know how to be normal?
people always comment on my lack of talk. our gracious host tonight, when i said it was time for me to go said, "You know what, those are the first words you've said all night." i'm that way 1) because i like to hear other people talk. i like seeing how different points of view and different personalities can all come together and have intelligent conversation and form relationships that go beyond surface level "hi's" and "how are you's". 2) i don't feel like i have much to say. i'm not smart. i don't know philosophy. i don't know movie quotes. i don't know how to frame good questions. when asked a question, i usual give a dumb answer or am forced to admit that i don't know. there's so much i don't know. so much i want to learn. but it seems my brain doesn't want to learn. and then my flippin' emotions get in the way. when i'm overwhelmed, i can't think straight.
how, HOW do i overcome all this weakness and stupidity? how do i start from square one and become a genuine person instead of a ghost? for that's what i feel i am. a ghost, walking through life. something i wrote before in a letter:
One of my favorite stories is A Christmas Carol. In it, the ghost of Marley is speaking of his wandering through the earth as a specter and he says that he “is doomed to wander through the world and witness what he can not share but might have shared and turned to happiness”. I see a group of friends talking and I know that even if I were around my friends, whatever it is in me that makes me a horrible talker would prevent me from having that kind of fellowship and conversation with anyone. As long as people just let me listen to them talk, I’m fine but if asked a question I get nervous, and even if I know the answer my mind goes blank.
i am so frustrated with myself. i am not at all the person that i want to be. and i have no clue how to get from point a to point b. i keep trying to push myself, but to no avail. i guess i need to read my post from earlier....
posted by Elder at 4:50 PM
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