Serenity

I love my life. It seems strange for me to say that considering the struggles I've faced and still do face, but yet, it's true. For all the hard times, I have memories that I wouldn't trade for anything. I have learned lessons that I would have learned no other way. I have experienced God in ways I wouldn't have if it hadn't been for the trials. Paul tells us that God's strength is perfected in weakness, how true this is! I cannot count the times that my emotions and just life in general would have destroyed me if it had not been for the sheer force of God holding me together. Right now I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a huge paradox. As my beloved Dickens once wrote, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"... It is the worst of times because ignorance is bliss. And I am no longer ignorant. I am fully aware of the "hows" and "whys" of most of my issues. Now I'm faced with the biggest battle of all, do I fight knowing it will be hard and even next to impossible at times or do I give in and wallow? It is the best of times because I now have more friends and more resources than ever before. And I have more hope than ever before. One friend has told me that he thinks that right now I'm under spiritual attack. The enemy knows I have a chance to overcome and he's coming at me from all angles. I had a good, long online conversation with the Wizard Yarmuth last night. He challenged me greatly. When given advice, I balked and became very negative. It's hard for me to judge myself objectively, so I guess I should really start listening more when people tell me these things. But I get negative when given advice because I feel like I can't ever do whatever it is they are telling me I should do for my own good. But it is now clear that part of winning this war is to stop being negative. I don't want others to tell me I'm ugly, so why do I say it to myself? Don't get me wrong, I still don't think I'm attractive, but will dwelling on the fact that I'm not pretty make me pretty? Decidedly not. In the end it will most likely just make me bitter and sour, not at all who I want to be. The same goes for every other flaw I see in myself. Some things I can change and some things I can't. Reminds me of the Serenity Prayer plague that used to hang on my grandmother's wall:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference".

I looked up the prayer online to make sure I remembered the wording correctly and I found a longer version that speaks to exactly where I am:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time,
accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right, if I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next".

The same person who said that he believed that I was under attack encouraged me that I CAN be happy. For some reason, I feel bad when I'm happy, like I'm doing something wrong and that's just weird!

I realized that in my last post, I left out a major portion of what I was going to say. Reading that book reminded me that God is in control. He has a plan. And it taught me that it is not our choices that matter as much as God's choosing. Despite King David's miserable failings, he was still God's chosen one to be the King of His people and the type of the One to come, namely Jesus Christ. God used him even in his sin. From passages such as Psalm 51 and others we learn of God's love and mercy. Not to say that David's sin was ok, but God can use anything and anybody-the Joyful, the Depressed, the Saintly, the Broken-all are usable if they are surrendered. So my prayer is that I would be surrendered. Seeking His face and His glory. I give Him my fears, dreams and doubts knowing that even if I fail, I am right in His sight because He chose me and saved me through the blood of Christ. I have to keep running. Even when I fall and get hurt, Christ is the prize, perseverance the goal. May I run Home with all that is in me for His glory....
"Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it". Matt. 10.39