Conviction, the knife that heals...

I just went to the misleadingly named "Dorm Meeting" here at school. I don't have to go. It's only for the poor ungrads :) but for some reason I had a burning desire to go tonight. Jr. was orginally going to go with me, but then decided she was too tired and hit the sack. Normally, I would've not gone by myself. But like I said, I HAD to go. I tried calling the Redneck German and IM'ing Mama Cress. Neither answered. I was not detered. So I did the unthinkable for most girls...I went by myself. The desire was that strong. I met up with some friends once I got there and the "meeting" (i.e. worship service) began. The songs were amazing. But what really grabbed me was the message. It was preached out of Philippians 2. It was all about how we should not think too highly of ourselves or even think alot (as in, not in many occurances during the day...not every minute) about ourselves. It's about God and about others. It's weird to say that satan can use Scripture, but he is the father of lies and knows how to twist the truth to meet his own ends. he has often used these verses to beat me up, to remind me that I am nothing and that everyone else is better than me. But that is not what the Bible says! Yes, we are to be humble. Yes, we are to worry more about, think more about, and exalt others before ourselves. But that doesn't make us nothing at all, or scum as I often think I am. We are still valuable. It's confusing. Something that I'm still trying to figure out. How am I something and nothing at the same time? But as Mr. Theology likes to say, "there's a tension there and we just have to let it stand". This is so difficult for me! To remember that I am His, that I have a place, a purpose, but to not become proud. I become proud often in a way opposite of what people normally think of when they hear the word "pride". I think about myself way too much. I may not be thinking "Dang Gina, I'm hot" or "I am special. People should bow to me". But I DO think, "I wonder if he thinks I'm dumb for doing that" or "God can never use me, I'm too messed up". The end result is the same. I'm consumed with MYSELF. Who I am and what I can do instead of who HE is and what HE can do!! This is as much a sin as if I had been consumed with how wonderfully I am (if I was wonderful, lol!) The focus should be on Christ at all times. I have been insanely guilty of this in recent days. I have been so selfish. I think people should love me. They should email me. They should comment on my blog (no pressure). They should be there for me like I'm there for them. It pierced me tonight when the preacher mentioned that a sign of pride is when we think we have rights that are being taken away or that we are upset by needs that aren't being met. I do have needs. But I have no right to pout if I perceive that they are not being met. I have no right to demand that others love me. I have no right to hide and punish when I think others don't like me. I have no excuse for not loving. For not serving. For not pushing myself until I bled. After all, He loved me, the unlovable. He served me, the worthless. He bled, my soul to save. How dare I whine and pout and demand!! Father forgive me for my wretchedness and break me free of this prison of self!!