character....

"What is more important to you, comfort or character?" This question was posed by my professor this morning in the context of talking about suffering. It got me to thinking about my life, the mess it has been and my trying to overcome the mess. What DO I want? A friend, Mr. Theology, challenged me awhile ago. He asked me why I wanted to get better. I said because I was tired of being miserable. He then came to the conclusion that I had the wrong motivation. I was taken aback at his staement. That's where the challenge came in. He said it was good for me to want to be better, but my motivation should be to get better for the glory of God. Back to class this morning....I wondered as I listened to lecture, was I allowing God to build character in me through all the hardness of life, or was I becoming A character? I have to say that I have been A character. I have this perception of myself and if it is shaken, I feel threatened. Even though the perception is unhealthy, I don't know anything else. All I've ever known to be is tough tomboy, silly goof, anything to make people like me. Hide the shame. Hide the pain. And now I'm trying to learn to undo all that and realign myself to what God wants me to be. But the question is, what is that? Who is that? And it's hard to depend wholly on God. "The community of saints" is stressed again and again, but I'm not sure how to enter into that community and make it work after so long of being a "lone ranger". People have told me to be honest with my feelings. Don't make others guess or try to read my mind. Be real. Don't say everything is ok if it's not. The hard reality that I've learned is 2-fold. First, most people back away when I display negative emotions. They don't allow me to feel what I feel. Instead, I'm told that I am all wrong and need to do X. I may be wrong in my thinking, but dang, sometimes I just want people to validate my feelings and try to understand and THEN help me move on. Some people have been genuinly helpful and caring, but not most, which is weird and contradictory. The 2nd part is that I tend to do what I'm doing now, I whine. I rant. I'm too unrestrained. I look for the wrong answers in the wrong places. So for anyone reading this...tell me your thoughts. When is ok to share negative feelings and when should you shut up? When is sadness a sin? Is being depressed a sin? Where is the line between sharing needs and sinful self-pity? I know I need to rely on God first and foremost but it would be helpful to know your thoughts on this to help me straighten out and be a woman OF character....