this is war....rambling thoughts on a sunday

its ugly head rears.
i am confronted with my sin.
so long it has hidden,
under the covers

the pages are filled with blood.
an animal is slaughtered,
to cover their nakedness.
a ram is sacrificed,
instead of a son.
mothers eat their daughters,
for lack of bread.
the Light of the world,
dies in Darkness,
His body pierced,
His heart crushed.

"The grace of the Lord Jesus,
be with all. Amen".
i find myself,
in the white space,
where the words run out.
longing for home,
but stuck in hell.
knowing He died,
my ransom to secure.
but still,
my thoughts wander on.

He should break me,
into a thousand pieces.
i have chosen pleasure.
power,
self,
over Lord.
i deserve the worst,
yet i get the best.

He could obliterate me,
with a thought.
this would be justice.
instead i find myself,
drowning in an ocean of grace.

the pages are filled with blood,
my sin is on the loose.
but by His blood,
His precious blood,
i will find my way home....

Names

I'm obsessed with names...weird names, meanings of names etc. So I decided to post some interesting names I've heard and read. They are real people. This will be another running post....


Mamie Jump

Ira Fink

Gwen Funk
Roxanne Scary

Madonna Blem

Tobias Crisp

Neville Shakespeare

Thumper Pigg

Growing

I wrote this a while back after a lady's Bible study. I found it in a notebook and it just goes to show how far God has brought me in the last few months. I still struggle with bitterness to some extent, but to quote a country song, "it's gettin' better all the time"...

tipped nails
messy ponytails
heads bobbing in unison

i reject you
before you have the chance
to reject me

your intelligence
your faith
your beauty
i lack
i need
i ache

i know if i can make
you laugh
you will like me

i can make you laugh
but the problem is
i don't want to laugh anymore

philosopher

I found this self-description on a someone else's blog and loved it. Reminds me of myself.....

I don't sing, I don't dance, I don't draw. I'm a spectator in the game of life. I'm a gambler. I'm betting you'll lose. I have no faith, I'm a believer. I don't think I can individually make a difference but I can't stop trying either. I'm shy, I'm bold. I contradict myself, I'm a walking contradiction. I'm just being Iwaya.

YES!

This was posted on the website which is under my links as "my obsession". This news makes me happy!!!!!!!!!!!!

News for Aug. 31, 2006
THE HOBBIT in 2007?!

8/31/06, 10:26 pm EST

The BIG news has finally hit. A Ringer Spy who was recently in the New York offices of New Line Cinema has reported that they clearly saw 'The Hobbit' on the film schedule for 2007. Here's what the spy had to say:

"Please leave my email anonymous as I have some very exciting news to report. I was in New Line's NY offices to discuss upcoming projects when I clearly saw something very intriguing on a year planner. 'The Hobbit' was clearly marked on what looked like July 2007. I couldn't exactly take a moment to investigate the calendar with my audience in the room, but it definitely said 'The Hobbit'. Lets hope this is a PJ project!"

Answering Machines and Excuses

I've decided to keep a running post on the best answering machines that I hear at work and the best excuses given not to take the survey. Enjoy....

Answering Machines:

"Hi. This is ****. To whom it may concern, if you have anything stored at my house, you have until the end of the month to come pick it up. If not, it will be given to charity or sold. If this applies to you, you have been warned. Anyone else, feel free to leave a message".

Family with the last name of Wright: "Hey. We are not available right now. So it looks like you've reached the Wright place at the wrong time"...

"Hi. This is ******. I don't usually check my messages. But if you feel like taking a chance, go ahead and leave one"...

"What up. Ya got me. Leave a message".


Excuses/Reasons:
Driving
Frying Fish
"I'm at a convention".
"I'm on a treadmill".
"I'm in the library".
"I'm under-age".
"I'm at the airport switching flights".
"I'm painting my kitchen".
"We didn't order pizza. This is a hospital room!" (oops!)
And the best so far, "I can't talk. I'm on my honeymoon!"

Honorable mentions:
I had one lady who picked up the phone and screamed, "GO AWAY!" and then hung up. All I could do was laugh...

Instead of a "hello" I got a "hey, baby". He thought it was his girlfriend.

Comment to someone else in the room: "No, it's not the Jehovah's Witnesses. It's the pizza lady!"

As an older gentleman was getting on another phone so he could hear me better, I overheard the following exchange in the background:
Little Child: "Papa! Papa, look at me! Papa! Look! LOOK! LOOK PAPA! PAPA!"
Man: "Ugh! Papa needs a cigerette!"

Becoming...

I was peeling potatoes.
Old country music twanged in the background.
Cool air blew on my face through the open door.
A distant bird chirped.
The windchimes tinkled.
And suddenly,
I was 5 again.
I knew no pain.
I knew no death.
All was simplicity.
All was joy.

Ah, the joys of being childlike. The last few years I have struggled in vain trying so hard to grow up. And now I find that all my strivings were foolishness.

I have been being childish.
Pouting.
Wanting my own way.
Self-conscious.
Afraid.

And now by the grace of God ALONE, I am becoming childlike again.

I am learning trust.
As I left my old job, I knew I needed clothes for my new job. My boss gave me a 100 dollar gift card to J.C. Penny. I also needed groceries. I was give a 20 dollar gift card to Kroger.

Still, on the way home, I was thinking about money. How would I make ends meet? How would I buy Christmas presents? How would I pay for next semester?

When I got home I checked to see what mail I had gotten there. There was an envelope from the Baptist Association my home church belongs to.
Last year I won a 400 dollar scholarship. I only received 200 of it. So I assumed this was the other half. Gratefully and expectantly I ripped open the letter. It was a check. But it wasn't for 200. Not even 300 or 400. 500? Nope. Try 1000.00!!

I had forgotten to reapply but still got that huge check! I stood with my mouth open for a good 5 minutes while it sunk in.
God must have been giggling and shaking His head. "Oh my dear foolish child! When will you ever learn?"

Oh that this may continue!
I feel so much stronger than I did 2 months ago. But may it never be my strength, but His!!

I am becoming.
I have opinions!!
I am learning to share of myself.
I'm learning to accept myself.
Goofy, passionate, clumsy, emotional tomboy. That's me. By the grace and pleasure of the Almighty. That's me.

He has given me wings and is teaching me to fly.
I know I will crash and burn many times along the way.
But now I am on my way to truly being a child of the King.
Smiling.
Wanting His will.
Selfless.
Unafraid.
Wide open and curious.
Ready and willing...

my song

I've decided to adopt this new Superchick song, "Stand in the Rain" as my anthem:

She never slows down
She doesn't know why but,
She knows that when
Shes all alone, it feels
Like its all, coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long
And she fears if she cries
That first tear
The tears will not stop
Raining down
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when its all
Crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering
If she stands, she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She's running from wants to give up
And lie down
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when its all
Crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So how was your pizza?

My new job.
What a blessing and what an interesting experience!

I know that this was totally a God thing. Every other job I had applied to in the last couple of months never called me. I had one interview. They never contacted me again. Don't know what happened there. But this time, when I received the job notification I prayed. I prayed that if it was God's will for me to have this job, if it would be good for me, that I would get it. 4 days later I had the job.

Three days I've driven to Papa John's Headquarters and called aproximately 500 numbers. Not everyone answers their phone. But I love listening to the answering machines. I have heard rap music and hispanic country music. One guy simply yelled, "THIS IS PPAAAULLLL!!! LEAVE A MMMESSSSSSAAAGGGEEE!!"
Tonight I got what seemed to be the home of a single mother. She said her name and then 4 children said their's. The littlest was a girl who must've just learned to talk. She almost didn't get her name out. It was so cute.

I have been in such a worshipful mood tonight. And, weird as it sounds, I think it's because of my job. Not only is it growing me (I'm really bad about talking on the phone) and providing for my needs while being an EASY job, but also I am amazed at the variety of people just here in our own country. So many backgrounds. So many accents. By the way, most people have been able to understand me so far! I wonder about the lives of all those I talk to. What is their religion? Are they married? Have they experienced something dreadfully painful recently? And it's awesome to think that God knows all this.

I have almost 700 people on my call list. I've talked to maybe 100 at the most. And all I know about them was whether or not they like Papa John's pizza! God knows every hair on their heads, their hearts, their fears...everything!

I'm so grateful for all the people in this crazy world. God is not a boring God. And His creation is not a boring creation!

Not only am I thankful for the people I get to randomly call at work, I am also grateful for people like the Redneck German who is bold enough to challenge beliefs all to bring us all to a better understanding of who God is.

It is amazing to think that God has prepared and is still preparing me for great things. He is preparing all His children for great things. He gives us battles to fight, victories to win and lessons to learn.

What we must remember is that it is all for His glory...
ALL for His glory!

Welcome Sweet Autumn...

Ah, Fall.
My favorite season has at long last arrived. I love it for several different reasons...the color, the anticipation of the holidays...but the main reason is because Fall is the most honest season. It most matches the reality of our lives. There are sunny warm days. There are cheery cool days that beg for a walk outside, preferably in an area with alot of trees. There are cold days laden with bitter rain. And slowly, Autumn gives way to the blistering death of Winter. So goes our days. Some days we are joyful and sunny. Other days we are sober and thoughtful. Still on others, we are bitter and depressed. And slowly, ever so slowly, we die. Someone once said that we begin to die the moment we are born. How true.

I'm not trying to be morbid or induce a "bitter and depressed" day on anyone. But this is the truth of our existence. We live amidst death in an ever changing world. Autumn is a keen reminder of this. Seasons bring change. Fall itself is a time when things are still alive, but in the process of decay.

Thank God for Fall. It is an ever present reminder that we are not perfect. We live in a FALLen world. (sorry). Yet, there is still beauty. And most importantly, there is still hope.

So many dear friends of mine are dealing with much of what I am dealing with myself. Questions like:
Who am I?
How do I truly love and serve God?
Where is my life going?
What do I need to change?
What do I need to accept?
etc.

The hope of Fall lies in what happens later....

The leaves flutter from the trees.
Winter sets in,
Holding the World in its icy grip.
All seems like cold anarchy.

Then Spring comes softly.
Seeds grow,
Hope bursts from the ground.
Winter's chill is removed.

The beauty of the flowers,
Is possible only by death.
The leaves' decay,
Is what gave them life.

And it goes with us.
Only through death,
Do we truly live.

So let us die to ourselves, and live for God and one another. Then even in death, we live and make all things beautiful by the grace of God.
Romans 5.10, Col. 3.5, 2 Tim. 2.11, John 12.24-25