Serenity

I love my life. It seems strange for me to say that considering the struggles I've faced and still do face, but yet, it's true. For all the hard times, I have memories that I wouldn't trade for anything. I have learned lessons that I would have learned no other way. I have experienced God in ways I wouldn't have if it hadn't been for the trials. Paul tells us that God's strength is perfected in weakness, how true this is! I cannot count the times that my emotions and just life in general would have destroyed me if it had not been for the sheer force of God holding me together. Right now I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a huge paradox. As my beloved Dickens once wrote, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"... It is the worst of times because ignorance is bliss. And I am no longer ignorant. I am fully aware of the "hows" and "whys" of most of my issues. Now I'm faced with the biggest battle of all, do I fight knowing it will be hard and even next to impossible at times or do I give in and wallow? It is the best of times because I now have more friends and more resources than ever before. And I have more hope than ever before. One friend has told me that he thinks that right now I'm under spiritual attack. The enemy knows I have a chance to overcome and he's coming at me from all angles. I had a good, long online conversation with the Wizard Yarmuth last night. He challenged me greatly. When given advice, I balked and became very negative. It's hard for me to judge myself objectively, so I guess I should really start listening more when people tell me these things. But I get negative when given advice because I feel like I can't ever do whatever it is they are telling me I should do for my own good. But it is now clear that part of winning this war is to stop being negative. I don't want others to tell me I'm ugly, so why do I say it to myself? Don't get me wrong, I still don't think I'm attractive, but will dwelling on the fact that I'm not pretty make me pretty? Decidedly not. In the end it will most likely just make me bitter and sour, not at all who I want to be. The same goes for every other flaw I see in myself. Some things I can change and some things I can't. Reminds me of the Serenity Prayer plague that used to hang on my grandmother's wall:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference".

I looked up the prayer online to make sure I remembered the wording correctly and I found a longer version that speaks to exactly where I am:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time,
accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right, if I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next".

The same person who said that he believed that I was under attack encouraged me that I CAN be happy. For some reason, I feel bad when I'm happy, like I'm doing something wrong and that's just weird!

I realized that in my last post, I left out a major portion of what I was going to say. Reading that book reminded me that God is in control. He has a plan. And it taught me that it is not our choices that matter as much as God's choosing. Despite King David's miserable failings, he was still God's chosen one to be the King of His people and the type of the One to come, namely Jesus Christ. God used him even in his sin. From passages such as Psalm 51 and others we learn of God's love and mercy. Not to say that David's sin was ok, but God can use anything and anybody-the Joyful, the Depressed, the Saintly, the Broken-all are usable if they are surrendered. So my prayer is that I would be surrendered. Seeking His face and His glory. I give Him my fears, dreams and doubts knowing that even if I fail, I am right in His sight because He chose me and saved me through the blood of Christ. I have to keep running. Even when I fall and get hurt, Christ is the prize, perseverance the goal. May I run Home with all that is in me for His glory....
"Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it". Matt. 10.39

The Normal Life

Most people lead pretty normal lives. They grow up. They go to college or get a job. They get married. They become parents. It seems to be a pretty normal pattern that not many people think twice about. But I'm not normal. And that's what's been scaring me. Some who read this know my past and the things I struggle with. Most probably don't. For the last 3 months, those struggles have not become easier, but easier to deal with none-the-less. The sun peeked through the clouds. And then ever slow slowly, the clouds began to roll away. But then last week, I crashed and burned again. It was painful to fall so far down so fast. There are theories why it happened and how it happened, but the main point is this: it hurt. Now this cloud of fear has settled over me. Will I ever lead a normal life? Or will this darkness never give me up? I want to be a wife and mother. I want to be effectively involved in ministry. But how? That has been my question.

For an assignment, I had to read The Unfolding Mystery by Edmund Clowney. It's all about finding Christ in the Old Testament. This book rocked my face off. It basically follows the story of Jesus (and therefore God's redemptive plan) from the Garden of Eden right up the beginning of the New Testament. Over and over again the author stresses that it is not the choices of the people but their being chosen by God that makes all the difference. Clowney writes, "Only God's revelation can build a story where the end is anticipated from the beginning and where the guiding principle is not chance or fate, but promise". God is the author of the story. And we are all part of that story. I am part of that story.

I don't have what it takes. I'm not pretty enough, sweet enough or witty enough to attract a guy. I'm not smart enough, spiritual enough or strong enough to be in ministry. I'm not wise enough, kind enough, or creative enough to be a mother. But God is still in control. It is not my wisdom but His that matters. It is not my strength but His that matters. It is not my choices but His choosing that matters. Thank you Mr. Clowney for reminding me of this...

Ouch

So guys sometimes wonder why girls have such a hard time with their bodies. The skinniest think they should be skinnier. The prettiest think they should be prettier. Well here is a big clue. We know guys go for the looks. For alot of guys, mostly non-believers, looks are IT. And everytime I try to convince myself it ain't so I find something like this:

"Ok So we have come to that time in the year when the race for the Seacow Trophy....... If you have a faint heart do not read on. The Seacow Trophy will be awarded to the first person between Baringer and Delor to hook up with a um.... husky member of the opposite sex. The rule is if the person weighs more than the participant then they are eligable for the Seacow Trophy."

This was under the Buddy Info of a guy I used to work with. He and I were great friends. So I thought...but that's a whole different story. But part of it is that he used to tell me not to think of myself as fat, ugly, etc. and then I find this. According to the rules of this "race", if he and I dated, he would win and I would be his Seacow. I weigh more than he does. And while the wording of the above excerpt makes it sound like it is for both genders, more is listed that I didn't post that makes it clear the "participants" are all male. This guy gives statistics for who he thinks will win. For one of his roommates he writes, "He is just to damn cocky to ever hook up with a Seacow... but hey everyone makes mistakes". So dating a woman with a little more body fat than most is a mistake?!

Part of me is ashamed of myself. I know I weigh more than is healthy for me. And I'm trying to work on that. But part of me is so outraged! Just because I'm a little chunky doesn't mean that I'm a mistake! I may not be beautiful, but dangit! I'm fun, I'm loyal and by the grace of God I would make somebody a great mate! There is more to a woman than her thighs fellas! I know that's a big deal for you and it's part of the way you are made. But please try to look beyond that. Look at our hearts and minds and spirits. I may be a Seacow, but I'm a Seacow that is growing in grace and inner beauty by the help of the Lord Almighty. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it!!

bang! bang! you're dead!

So Saturday I went to see the Wizard Yarmuth in a play called, "bang! bang! you're dead!" It's about a school shooting. 5 kids die in the shooting and the killer shoots his parents too. It was a very powerful play. It explored all the different excuses that people give for why kids turn on their peers and then come to the right conclusion...no matter what, it's still that person's fault. They are to blame. It was their choice in the end to do what they did. Yet, at the same time, I can see how things in our society need to change in order to prevent this. For example, this is probably as liberal as I get, but I have a real issue with violent movies. If it's "Saving Private Ryan" or "The Passion of the Christ" I have no problem with it. Those movies accurately reflect what happened in history. What I have an issue with is movies like "Saw" and "Hostel". No, I haven't seen these movies, but I've heard about them. I am greatly confused by Christians who claim to hold life as extremely valuable and then watch humans being mutilated for entertainment. People in Uganda are getting their limbs cut off. I read recently of a young girl in the Middle East who was given away in marriage at the age of 3. Since she was too young to consummate the marriage, she was basically a slave. Her "husband" threw boiling water on her. Used her back as a table, cutting into her back as he cut his meat. Made her sleep outside in the cold without a blanket. We find this sickening. So why watch a movie about it? Why not watch a movie that will make us laugh or think? We are desensitized to violence, to human suffering. When I watched the Two Towers for the first time, during a scene where Gollum was crying out in pain, people were laughing left and right. Pain is funny? The second main thing that needs to change is how we raise our kids/the school system. Children need to learn to respect others and their feelings. Some people are sensitive. You never know someone's background. While we should not walk on eggshells around everyone (or teach our children too) we should (and teach our children) to genuinely care about others and their welfare and to edify and encourage as much as possible. I mean, joking around, sarcasm etc is ok with friends. You know where they are and what you can say without hurting them, but to use such indiscriminately is wrong. And especially with friends, encouragement, compliments etc should be a big part of the package! Also, our schools need to crack down on bullies. Some schools are going too far. For example, in a school in Indiana the kids are not allowed to say such words as gun, knife, bang or boom. That's ridiculous. I asked a girl who goes to school there how the heck they talked about history!!! But when children are in fear of going to school because they are being beaten and threatened, that's ridiculous too. I believe that schools should slacken up with the dumbness and start getting real about building kids up and protecting them
So all that said, didn't really mean for this to turn into this but hey, why not, it's my blog!
But dear Wizard Yarmuth, you and your drama crew did amazing! It was an honor and a joy to see you perform. Keep up the good work!

Conviction, the knife that heals...

I just went to the misleadingly named "Dorm Meeting" here at school. I don't have to go. It's only for the poor ungrads :) but for some reason I had a burning desire to go tonight. Jr. was orginally going to go with me, but then decided she was too tired and hit the sack. Normally, I would've not gone by myself. But like I said, I HAD to go. I tried calling the Redneck German and IM'ing Mama Cress. Neither answered. I was not detered. So I did the unthinkable for most girls...I went by myself. The desire was that strong. I met up with some friends once I got there and the "meeting" (i.e. worship service) began. The songs were amazing. But what really grabbed me was the message. It was preached out of Philippians 2. It was all about how we should not think too highly of ourselves or even think alot (as in, not in many occurances during the day...not every minute) about ourselves. It's about God and about others. It's weird to say that satan can use Scripture, but he is the father of lies and knows how to twist the truth to meet his own ends. he has often used these verses to beat me up, to remind me that I am nothing and that everyone else is better than me. But that is not what the Bible says! Yes, we are to be humble. Yes, we are to worry more about, think more about, and exalt others before ourselves. But that doesn't make us nothing at all, or scum as I often think I am. We are still valuable. It's confusing. Something that I'm still trying to figure out. How am I something and nothing at the same time? But as Mr. Theology likes to say, "there's a tension there and we just have to let it stand". This is so difficult for me! To remember that I am His, that I have a place, a purpose, but to not become proud. I become proud often in a way opposite of what people normally think of when they hear the word "pride". I think about myself way too much. I may not be thinking "Dang Gina, I'm hot" or "I am special. People should bow to me". But I DO think, "I wonder if he thinks I'm dumb for doing that" or "God can never use me, I'm too messed up". The end result is the same. I'm consumed with MYSELF. Who I am and what I can do instead of who HE is and what HE can do!! This is as much a sin as if I had been consumed with how wonderfully I am (if I was wonderful, lol!) The focus should be on Christ at all times. I have been insanely guilty of this in recent days. I have been so selfish. I think people should love me. They should email me. They should comment on my blog (no pressure). They should be there for me like I'm there for them. It pierced me tonight when the preacher mentioned that a sign of pride is when we think we have rights that are being taken away or that we are upset by needs that aren't being met. I do have needs. But I have no right to pout if I perceive that they are not being met. I have no right to demand that others love me. I have no right to hide and punish when I think others don't like me. I have no excuse for not loving. For not serving. For not pushing myself until I bled. After all, He loved me, the unlovable. He served me, the worthless. He bled, my soul to save. How dare I whine and pout and demand!! Father forgive me for my wretchedness and break me free of this prison of self!!

character....

"What is more important to you, comfort or character?" This question was posed by my professor this morning in the context of talking about suffering. It got me to thinking about my life, the mess it has been and my trying to overcome the mess. What DO I want? A friend, Mr. Theology, challenged me awhile ago. He asked me why I wanted to get better. I said because I was tired of being miserable. He then came to the conclusion that I had the wrong motivation. I was taken aback at his staement. That's where the challenge came in. He said it was good for me to want to be better, but my motivation should be to get better for the glory of God. Back to class this morning....I wondered as I listened to lecture, was I allowing God to build character in me through all the hardness of life, or was I becoming A character? I have to say that I have been A character. I have this perception of myself and if it is shaken, I feel threatened. Even though the perception is unhealthy, I don't know anything else. All I've ever known to be is tough tomboy, silly goof, anything to make people like me. Hide the shame. Hide the pain. And now I'm trying to learn to undo all that and realign myself to what God wants me to be. But the question is, what is that? Who is that? And it's hard to depend wholly on God. "The community of saints" is stressed again and again, but I'm not sure how to enter into that community and make it work after so long of being a "lone ranger". People have told me to be honest with my feelings. Don't make others guess or try to read my mind. Be real. Don't say everything is ok if it's not. The hard reality that I've learned is 2-fold. First, most people back away when I display negative emotions. They don't allow me to feel what I feel. Instead, I'm told that I am all wrong and need to do X. I may be wrong in my thinking, but dang, sometimes I just want people to validate my feelings and try to understand and THEN help me move on. Some people have been genuinly helpful and caring, but not most, which is weird and contradictory. The 2nd part is that I tend to do what I'm doing now, I whine. I rant. I'm too unrestrained. I look for the wrong answers in the wrong places. So for anyone reading this...tell me your thoughts. When is ok to share negative feelings and when should you shut up? When is sadness a sin? Is being depressed a sin? Where is the line between sharing needs and sinful self-pity? I know I need to rely on God first and foremost but it would be helpful to know your thoughts on this to help me straighten out and be a woman OF character....