Confessions of a Restless Mind

Hello Old Friend....

2008-03-09T12:02:00.001-11:00

Man, it has been a really long time since I wrote on here. I will be back, dear blog, with more musings for you. Soon, very soon.

Lately....

2007-05-21T14:13:00.001-11:00

Lately I have been busy.

I have walked among the granite giants;
I have heard silence;
I have visited the dead.

I have driven home;
I have wondered at my life;
I have visited the past.

I have conteplated beauty,
Forgiveness,
Grace.

Where I have been,
And where I am going.
Both lay in the hands
of a Sovereign God.

I have been growing...lately...

i am...

2007-03-31T15:33:00.000-11:00

i am a rocker chick.
i am an aspiring writer.
i am a smoker.
i am a caffeine fiend.

i am passionate.
i am a warrior.
i am unstable.
i am afraid of life.

i am rebellious.
i am a sinner.
i am a whore.
i am appalling.

i am saved by grace.
i am living in the Light.
i am loved by the Almighty.
i am a child of the Kingdom.

Goodnight Lisa

2007-03-23T14:50:00.000-11:00

I just got done talking online to a lady named Lisa. She has come to the belief that there is no God, and if there is, He only wants her to be miserable. I tried to talk to her. I'm afraid I failed horribly. Please pray for her. My heart is breaking for her. She is suicidal and desperately needs the Lord.

Men Who Were Wrong

2007-03-12T14:43:00.000-11:00

An 8th grade teacher once told me that I would grow up to be a heartbreaker. He was wrong. Here I am almost 27 with no husband, no boyfriend and definitely no trail of broken hearts. Mr. Mario wasn’t the only one to be wrong. The apostle Paul was too. He called himself the worst of sinners. Sorry, dude, I think I have officially taken over that title. Somewhere in my cluttered life I have notes from a recent sermon. To prove how (not) spiritual I am, I can’t even remember the passage being expounded. What I do remember from that sermon is a taste of damnation. Our preaching elder was talking about how people try to save themselves by their works--an impossible task. Then a realization struck me quite painfully. While saying that I trusted in the work of Christ, I have been in the mindset of thinking I had to still DO SOMETHING. This has lead to much of the despair in my life. Feeling like you have to do something plus feeling like you can’t do anything equals frustration. I struggle with trust and control. But this sermon scared my eyes wide open. No matter how hard it is, my very salvation rests on me trusting in God and His provision and providence in my life. It’s so hard to balance how I feel about myself with the truths of the Bible. I feel utterly worthless and unworthy of anything good. To an extent, this is still true. I am what I am by the grace of God only. And the grace of God must not be denied! Yet it is so easy for me to give up! I bear the scars of my battle, both literally and figuratively. My skin has marks from burning myself. As awful as that sounds, the burns heal much faster than the gashes in my heart. Death, Despair, and Destruction: the unholy trinity of satan to which I have long been captive. A verse that I came across close to the same time as the awakening sermon was 2 Peter 2:22 “The dog returns to its own vomit, and the sow, after washing herself, returns to wallow in the mire”. I do this! I get myself all worked up. “ I will be more disciplined! I will be ok!” Only to return to my own stench once again. It’s a constant cycle of bathing and then jumping into the sewer. This all comes back to trusting God. Prozac helps me, but it won’t heal me. People support me, but they too stumble and fall sometimes. Only God can once and for all rescue me from the putrescence of self. I know the struggle isn’t over and will likely only get harder but…

“Grace has brought me safe thus far and grace will lead me home”.

Still kicking..

2007-02-18T13:56:00.000-11:00

If anyone still reads this..I'm still alive! I've been thinking alot lately so watch out! A long post is forming in my spongy brain!!

History Starts Now

2007-01-01T17:21:00.000-11:00

The following LONG post was hand-written on December 29 and typed and additions made on January 1 (and posted under dubious circumstances).

I write by moonlight and twinkling candlelight. I have been in bed for hours, thinking when I should have been sleeping. The hours before that were consumed by the pursuit of an unabridged copy of David Copperfield and a box of Nerds. I love to read. However, I become restless as I near the end of a book. How will it all conclude? Will it be happy or sad? If it be sad, will any hope remain for happiness in the future? Having read a few Dickens books before, I am doubly anxious! Some of his endings have left me in joyful tears, others with a wide mouth in exasperation and unbelief. As I have been thinking in my bed, my thoughts have ranged from the news I hear coming from the TV in the other room that Sadaam Hussein is dead. I remember when the bombings were aired on the news during the first Gulf War that I was so scared that I hid behind the couch. I have been thinking of my Mom lying in her own bed very sick with a bad cold. How I wish I could stay home and make her happy. But at the same time, I wish to have my own life and to be happy myself. I have been thinking of all the bygone days of my childhood. A thousand stars twikling in the summer night sky. A thousand lightening bugs flashing in vain imitation of the stars above. Listening to the whipperwills. Chasing June bugs. Hanging clothes out on the line to dry. Swinging and watching Dad till up the garden. Snowmen and snowball fights. Putting up the Christmas tree. These remebrances may seem dull and silly, but I am overwhelmed with tears-remembering what my life was, or at least what I thought it was. There are ill shadows from the past that threaten to overcome these happy memories, but other than to say they existed, I will write no more of them. This brings me to the cause of my current sleeplessness. Ask a normal person what their greatest fear is and the common answers will tumble out: death, public speaking, spiders and in rare, but delicate cases, ladybugs. What is my greatest fear? The future. The specter of the past is daunting enough, but at least he can be seen, known and dealt with. The specter of the future presents a double haunting. He is unkowable and unforseeable. At his coming there may be gladness and there may be evil. It tortures me. I can devour a book in a few hours and know what happens to the main characters. But what of me and those I love? There is no reading ahead. No fast forwarding in life. Doom or delight, it must be waited for. And while I have every ounce of confidence in the soveriegnity of God, it still frightens me that to some mysterious extent, I still have an active role in writing my own story. And over the lives of others, I have no control or influence. I am fearful. Fearful of making a dreadful mistake. Everyday people make common choices that affect them for the rest of their lives. Whether this be prideful perfectionism or sinful unbelief or honest-come-by fear or a mixture I don't know. But I do know it plagues me! But in the end I must say with Copperfield's friend Agnes, "There is still God to trust in!" Let the preceding stand as a warning to all of the dangers of mixing Dickens, sugar, a full moon and a full brain on a lonely night!

After writing this, I got to thinking some more. What if you (or I) were given a "Life Remote". It has two buttons, "Fast-Forward" and "Rewind". You can only use one. Which one would you use and how far would you let your life's tape run before you hit "Play" again? At first it seemed like the best choice for me is to rewind to the beginning and start over, but what's to say that the same wouldn't happen again? How would I know to make things different? Then it seemed desirable to hit "Fast Forward" and let the dang tape just run to the end! Then there would be no more anxiety. I would be at life's end and would know all that happened to me. No more surprises, just go Home. But then I realized, if I did that, I would know where I was but I wouldn't know how I got there. Through the pain of the past, I've learned many lessons. Painful at times, but always useful. So I guess the best course is to run the only one that is given to us, to let the tape keep playing and trust the One who casted us in this crazy play called Life to take care of the details.

if only...

2006-12-04T18:08:00.000-11:00

run.
run away.
into the trees.
steal a star.
catch the wind.
kiss the earth.

hide.
hide away.
beneath the sky.
vanish from memory.
write,
write,
write.

live.
live free.
in the wild.
dance crazy.
laugh happily.
ever after.

Serenity

2006-11-20T16:46:00.000-11:00

I love my life. It seems strange for me to say that considering the struggles I've faced and still do face, but yet, it's true. For all the hard times, I have memories that I wouldn't trade for anything. I have learned lessons that I would have learned no other way. I have experienced God in ways I wouldn't have if it hadn't been for the trials. Paul tells us that God's strength is perfected in weakness, how true this is! I cannot count the times that my emotions and just life in general would have destroyed me if it had not been for the sheer force of God holding me together. Right now I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a huge paradox. As my beloved Dickens once wrote, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"... It is the worst of times because ignorance is bliss. And I am no longer ignorant. I am fully aware of the "hows" and "whys" of most of my issues. Now I'm faced with the biggest battle of all, do I fight knowing it will be hard and even next to impossible at times or do I give in and wallow? It is the best of times because I now have more friends and more resources than ever before. And I have more hope than ever before. One friend has told me that he thinks that right now I'm under spiritual attack. The enemy knows I have a chance to overcome and he's coming at me from all angles. I had a good, long online conversation with the Wizard Yarmuth last night. He challenged me greatly. When given advice, I balked and became very negative. It's hard for me to judge myself objectively, so I guess I should really start listening more when people tell me these things. But I get negative when given advice because I feel like I can't ever do whatever it is they are telling me I should do for my own good. But it is now clear that part of winning this war is to stop being negative. I don't want others to tell me I'm ugly, so why do I say it to myself? Don't get me wrong, I still don't think I'm attractive, but will dwelling on the fact that I'm not pretty make me pretty? Decidedly not. In the end it will most likely just make me bitter and sour, not at all who I want to be. The same goes for every other flaw I see in myself. Some things I can change and some things I can't. Reminds me of the Serenity Prayer plague that used to hang on my grandmother's wall:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference".

I looked up the prayer online to make sure I remembered the wording correctly and I found a longer version that speaks to exactly where I am:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time,
accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right, if I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next".

The same person who said that he believed that I was under attack encouraged me that I CAN be happy. For some reason, I feel bad when I'm happy, like I'm doing something wrong and that's just weird!

I realized that in my last post, I left out a major portion of what I was going to say. Reading that book reminded me that God is in control. He has a plan. And it taught me that it is not our choices that matter as much as God's choosing. Despite King David's miserable failings, he was still God's chosen one to be the King of His people and the type of the One to come, namely Jesus Christ. God used him even in his sin. From passages such as Psalm 51 and others we learn of God's love and mercy. Not to say that David's sin was ok, but God can use anything and anybody-the Joyful, the Depressed, the Saintly, the Broken-all are usable if they are surrendered. So my prayer is that I would be surrendered. Seeking His face and His glory. I give Him my fears, dreams and doubts knowing that even if I fail, I am right in His sight because He chose me and saved me through the blood of Christ. I have to keep running. Even when I fall and get hurt, Christ is the prize, perseverance the goal. May I run Home with all that is in me for His glory....
"Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it". Matt. 10.39

The Normal Life

2006-11-16T15:33:00.000-11:00

Most people lead pretty normal lives. They grow up. They go to college or get a job. They get married. They become parents. It seems to be a pretty normal pattern that not many people think twice about. But I'm not normal. And that's what's been scaring me. Some who read this know my past and the things I struggle with. Most probably don't. For the last 3 months, those struggles have not become easier, but easier to deal with none-the-less. The sun peeked through the clouds. And then ever slow slowly, the clouds began to roll away. But then last week, I crashed and burned again. It was painful to fall so far down so fast. There are theories why it happened and how it happened, but the main point is this: it hurt. Now this cloud of fear has settled over me. Will I ever lead a normal life? Or will this darkness never give me up? I want to be a wife and mother. I want to be effectively involved in ministry. But how? That has been my question.

For an assignment, I had to read The Unfolding Mystery by Edmund Clowney. It's all about finding Christ in the Old Testament. This book rocked my face off. It basically follows the story of Jesus (and therefore God's redemptive plan) from the Garden of Eden right up the beginning of the New Testament. Over and over again the author stresses that it is not the choices of the people but their being chosen by God that makes all the difference. Clowney writes, "Only God's revelation can build a story where the end is anticipated from the beginning and where the guiding principle is not chance or fate, but promise". God is the author of the story. And we are all part of that story. I am part of that story.

I don't have what it takes. I'm not pretty enough, sweet enough or witty enough to attract a guy. I'm not smart enough, spiritual enough or strong enough to be in ministry. I'm not wise enough, kind enough, or creative enough to be a mother. But God is still in control. It is not my wisdom but His that matters. It is not my strength but His that matters. It is not my choices but His choosing that matters. Thank you Mr. Clowney for reminding me of this...

Ouch

2006-11-10T05:07:00.000-11:00

So guys sometimes wonder why girls have such a hard time with their bodies. The skinniest think they should be skinnier. The prettiest think they should be prettier. Well here is a big clue. We know guys go for the looks. For alot of guys, mostly non-believers, looks are IT. And everytime I try to convince myself it ain't so I find something like this:

"Ok So we have come to that time in the year when the race for the Seacow Trophy....... If you have a faint heart do not read on. The Seacow Trophy will be awarded to the first person between Baringer and Delor to hook up with a um.... husky member of the opposite sex. The rule is if the person weighs more than the participant then they are eligable for the Seacow Trophy."

This was under the Buddy Info of a guy I used to work with. He and I were great friends. So I thought...but that's a whole different story. But part of it is that he used to tell me not to think of myself as fat, ugly, etc. and then I find this. According to the rules of this "race", if he and I dated, he would win and I would be his Seacow. I weigh more than he does. And while the wording of the above excerpt makes it sound like it is for both genders, more is listed that I didn't post that makes it clear the "participants" are all male. This guy gives statistics for who he thinks will win. For one of his roommates he writes, "He is just to damn cocky to ever hook up with a Seacow... but hey everyone makes mistakes". So dating a woman with a little more body fat than most is a mistake?!

Part of me is ashamed of myself. I know I weigh more than is healthy for me. And I'm trying to work on that. But part of me is so outraged! Just because I'm a little chunky doesn't mean that I'm a mistake! I may not be beautiful, but dangit! I'm fun, I'm loyal and by the grace of God I would make somebody a great mate! There is more to a woman than her thighs fellas! I know that's a big deal for you and it's part of the way you are made. But please try to look beyond that. Look at our hearts and minds and spirits. I may be a Seacow, but I'm a Seacow that is growing in grace and inner beauty by the help of the Lord Almighty. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it!!

bang! bang! you're dead!

2006-11-06T17:20:00.000-11:00

So Saturday I went to see the Wizard Yarmuth in a play called, "bang! bang! you're dead!" It's about a school shooting. 5 kids die in the shooting and the killer shoots his parents too. It was a very powerful play. It explored all the different excuses that people give for why kids turn on their peers and then come to the right conclusion...no matter what, it's still that person's fault. They are to blame. It was their choice in the end to do what they did. Yet, at the same time, I can see how things in our society need to change in order to prevent this. For example, this is probably as liberal as I get, but I have a real issue with violent movies. If it's "Saving Private Ryan" or "The Passion of the Christ" I have no problem with it. Those movies accurately reflect what happened in history. What I have an issue with is movies like "Saw" and "Hostel". No, I haven't seen these movies, but I've heard about them. I am greatly confused by Christians who claim to hold life as extremely valuable and then watch humans being mutilated for entertainment. People in Uganda are getting their limbs cut off. I read recently of a young girl in the Middle East who was given away in marriage at the age of 3. Since she was too young to consummate the marriage, she was basically a slave. Her "husband" threw boiling water on her. Used her back as a table, cutting into her back as he cut his meat. Made her sleep outside in the cold without a blanket. We find this sickening. So why watch a movie about it? Why not watch a movie that will make us laugh or think? We are desensitized to violence, to human suffering. When I watched the Two Towers for the first time, during a scene where Gollum was crying out in pain, people were laughing left and right. Pain is funny? The second main thing that needs to change is how we raise our kids/the school system. Children need to learn to respect others and their feelings. Some people are sensitive. You never know someone's background. While we should not walk on eggshells around everyone (or teach our children too) we should (and teach our children) to genuinely care about others and their welfare and to edify and encourage as much as possible. I mean, joking around, sarcasm etc is ok with friends. You know where they are and what you can say without hurting them, but to use such indiscriminately is wrong. And especially with friends, encouragement, compliments etc should be a big part of the package! Also, our schools need to crack down on bullies. Some schools are going too far. For example, in a school in Indiana the kids are not allowed to say such words as gun, knife, bang or boom. That's ridiculous. I asked a girl who goes to school there how the heck they talked about history!!! But when children are in fear of going to school because they are being beaten and threatened, that's ridiculous too. I believe that schools should slacken up with the dumbness and start getting real about building kids up and protecting them
So all that said, didn't really mean for this to turn into this but hey, why not, it's my blog!
But dear Wizard Yarmuth, you and your drama crew did amazing! It was an honor and a joy to see you perform. Keep up the good work!

Conviction, the knife that heals...

2006-11-06T16:59:00.000-11:00

I just went to the misleadingly named "Dorm Meeting" here at school. I don't have to go. It's only for the poor ungrads :) but for some reason I had a burning desire to go tonight. Jr. was orginally going to go with me, but then decided she was too tired and hit the sack. Normally, I would've not gone by myself. But like I said, I HAD to go. I tried calling the Redneck German and IM'ing Mama Cress. Neither answered. I was not detered. So I did the unthinkable for most girls...I went by myself. The desire was that strong. I met up with some friends once I got there and the "meeting" (i.e. worship service) began. The songs were amazing. But what really grabbed me was the message. It was preached out of Philippians 2. It was all about how we should not think too highly of ourselves or even think alot (as in, not in many occurances during the day...not every minute) about ourselves. It's about God and about others. It's weird to say that satan can use Scripture, but he is the father of lies and knows how to twist the truth to meet his own ends. he has often used these verses to beat me up, to remind me that I am nothing and that everyone else is better than me. But that is not what the Bible says! Yes, we are to be humble. Yes, we are to worry more about, think more about, and exalt others before ourselves. But that doesn't make us nothing at all, or scum as I often think I am. We are still valuable. It's confusing. Something that I'm still trying to figure out. How am I something and nothing at the same time? But as Mr. Theology likes to say, "there's a tension there and we just have to let it stand". This is so difficult for me! To remember that I am His, that I have a place, a purpose, but to not become proud. I become proud often in a way opposite of what people normally think of when they hear the word "pride". I think about myself way too much. I may not be thinking "Dang Gina, I'm hot" or "I am special. People should bow to me". But I DO think, "I wonder if he thinks I'm dumb for doing that" or "God can never use me, I'm too messed up". The end result is the same. I'm consumed with MYSELF. Who I am and what I can do instead of who HE is and what HE can do!! This is as much a sin as if I had been consumed with how wonderfully I am (if I was wonderful, lol!) The focus should be on Christ at all times. I have been insanely guilty of this in recent days. I have been so selfish. I think people should love me. They should email me. They should comment on my blog (no pressure). They should be there for me like I'm there for them. It pierced me tonight when the preacher mentioned that a sign of pride is when we think we have rights that are being taken away or that we are upset by needs that aren't being met. I do have needs. But I have no right to pout if I perceive that they are not being met. I have no right to demand that others love me. I have no right to hide and punish when I think others don't like me. I have no excuse for not loving. For not serving. For not pushing myself until I bled. After all, He loved me, the unlovable. He served me, the worthless. He bled, my soul to save. How dare I whine and pout and demand!! Father forgive me for my wretchedness and break me free of this prison of self!!

character....

2006-11-03T18:09:00.000-11:00

"What is more important to you, comfort or character?" This question was posed by my professor this morning in the context of talking about suffering. It got me to thinking about my life, the mess it has been and my trying to overcome the mess. What DO I want? A friend, Mr. Theology, challenged me awhile ago. He asked me why I wanted to get better. I said because I was tired of being miserable. He then came to the conclusion that I had the wrong motivation. I was taken aback at his staement. That's where the challenge came in. He said it was good for me to want to be better, but my motivation should be to get better for the glory of God. Back to class this morning....I wondered as I listened to lecture, was I allowing God to build character in me through all the hardness of life, or was I becoming A character? I have to say that I have been A character. I have this perception of myself and if it is shaken, I feel threatened. Even though the perception is unhealthy, I don't know anything else. All I've ever known to be is tough tomboy, silly goof, anything to make people like me. Hide the shame. Hide the pain. And now I'm trying to learn to undo all that and realign myself to what God wants me to be. But the question is, what is that? Who is that? And it's hard to depend wholly on God. "The community of saints" is stressed again and again, but I'm not sure how to enter into that community and make it work after so long of being a "lone ranger". People have told me to be honest with my feelings. Don't make others guess or try to read my mind. Be real. Don't say everything is ok if it's not. The hard reality that I've learned is 2-fold. First, most people back away when I display negative emotions. They don't allow me to feel what I feel. Instead, I'm told that I am all wrong and need to do X. I may be wrong in my thinking, but dang, sometimes I just want people to validate my feelings and try to understand and THEN help me move on. Some people have been genuinly helpful and caring, but not most, which is weird and contradictory. The 2nd part is that I tend to do what I'm doing now, I whine. I rant. I'm too unrestrained. I look for the wrong answers in the wrong places. So for anyone reading this...tell me your thoughts. When is ok to share negative feelings and when should you shut up? When is sadness a sin? Is being depressed a sin? Where is the line between sharing needs and sinful self-pity? I know I need to rely on God first and foremost but it would be helpful to know your thoughts on this to help me straighten out and be a woman OF character....

this is war....rambling thoughts on a sunday

2006-10-29T16:59:00.000-11:00

its ugly head rears.
i am confronted with my sin.
so long it has hidden,
under the covers

the pages are filled with blood.
an animal is slaughtered,
to cover their nakedness.
a ram is sacrificed,
instead of a son.
mothers eat their daughters,
for lack of bread.
the Light of the world,
dies in Darkness,
His body pierced,
His heart crushed.

"The grace of the Lord Jesus,
be with all. Amen".
i find myself,
in the white space,
where the words run out.
longing for home,
but stuck in hell.
knowing He died,
my ransom to secure.
but still,
my thoughts wander on.

He should break me,
into a thousand pieces.
i have chosen pleasure.
power,
self,
over Lord.
i deserve the worst,
yet i get the best.

He could obliterate me,
with a thought.
this would be justice.
instead i find myself,
drowning in an ocean of grace.

the pages are filled with blood,
my sin is on the loose.
but by His blood,
His precious blood,
i will find my way home....

Names

2006-10-24T17:26:00.000-11:00

I'm obsessed with names...weird names, meanings of names etc. So I decided to post some interesting names I've heard and read. They are real people. This will be another running post....

Mamie Jump

Ira Fink

Gwen Funk
Roxanne Scary

Madonna Blem

Tobias Crisp

Neville Shakespeare

Thumper Pigg

Growing

2006-10-24T17:18:00.000-11:00

I wrote this a while back after a lady's Bible study. I found it in a notebook and it just goes to show how far God has brought me in the last few months. I still struggle with bitterness to some extent, but to quote a country song, "it's gettin' better all the time"...

tipped nails
messy ponytails
heads bobbing in unison

i reject you
before you have the chance
to reject me

your intelligence
your faith
your beauty
i lack
i need
i ache

i know if i can make
you laugh
you will like me

i can make you laugh
but the problem is
i don't want to laugh anymore

philosopher

2006-10-17T08:11:00.000-11:00

I found this self-description on a someone else's blog and loved it. Reminds me of myself.....

I don't sing, I don't dance, I don't draw. I'm a spectator in the game of life. I'm a gambler. I'm betting you'll lose. I have no faith, I'm a believer. I don't think I can individually make a difference but I can't stop trying either. I'm shy, I'm bold. I contradict myself, I'm a walking contradiction. I'm just being Iwaya.

YES!

2006-10-14T17:20:00.000-11:00

This was posted on the website which is under my links as "my obsession". This news makes me happy!!!!!!!!!!!!

News for Aug. 31, 2006
THE HOBBIT in 2007?!

8/31/06, 10:26 pm EST

The BIG news has finally hit. A Ringer Spy who was recently in the New York offices of New Line Cinema has reported that they clearly saw 'The Hobbit' on the film schedule for 2007. Here's what the spy had to say:

"Please leave my email anonymous as I have some very exciting news to report. I was in New Line's NY offices to discuss upcoming projects when I clearly saw something very intriguing on a year planner. 'The Hobbit' was clearly marked on what looked like July 2007. I couldn't exactly take a moment to investigate the calendar with my audience in the room, but it definitely said 'The Hobbit'. Lets hope this is a PJ project!"

Answering Machines and Excuses

2006-10-11T14:47:00.000-11:00

I've decided to keep a running post on the best answering machines that I hear at work and the best excuses given not to take the survey. Enjoy....

Answering Machines:

"Hi. This is ****. To whom it may concern, if you have anything stored at my house, you have until the end of the month to come pick it up. If not, it will be given to charity or sold. If this applies to you, you have been warned. Anyone else, feel free to leave a message".

Family with the last name of Wright: "Hey. We are not available right now. So it looks like you've reached the Wright place at the wrong time"...

"Hi. This is ******. I don't usually check my messages. But if you feel like taking a chance, go ahead and leave one"...

"What up. Ya got me. Leave a message".

Excuses/Reasons:
Driving
Frying Fish
"I'm at a convention".
"I'm on a treadmill".
"I'm in the library".
"I'm under-age".
"I'm at the airport switching flights".
"I'm painting my kitchen".
"We didn't order pizza. This is a hospital room!" (oops!)
And the best so far, "I can't talk. I'm on my honeymoon!"

Honorable mentions:
I had one lady who picked up the phone and screamed, "GO AWAY!" and then hung up. All I could do was laugh...

Instead of a "hello" I got a "hey, baby". He thought it was his girlfriend.

Comment to someone else in the room: "No, it's not the Jehovah's Witnesses. It's the pizza lady!"

As an older gentleman was getting on another phone so he could hear me better, I overheard the following exchange in the background:
Little Child: "Papa! Papa, look at me! Papa! Look! LOOK! LOOK PAPA! PAPA!"
Man: "Ugh! Papa needs a cigerette!"

Becoming...

2006-10-09T05:22:00.000-11:00

I was peeling potatoes.
Old country music twanged in the background.
Cool air blew on my face through the open door.
A distant bird chirped.
The windchimes tinkled.
And suddenly,
I was 5 again.
I knew no pain.
I knew no death.
All was simplicity.
All was joy.

Ah, the joys of being childlike. The last few years I have struggled in vain trying so hard to grow up. And now I find that all my strivings were foolishness.

I have been being childish.
Pouting.
Wanting my own way.
Self-conscious.
Afraid.

And now by the grace of God ALONE, I am becoming childlike again.

I am learning trust.
As I left my old job, I knew I needed clothes for my new job. My boss gave me a 100 dollar gift card to J.C. Penny. I also needed groceries. I was give a 20 dollar gift card to Kroger.

Still, on the way home, I was thinking about money. How would I make ends meet? How would I buy Christmas presents? How would I pay for next semester?

When I got home I checked to see what mail I had gotten there. There was an envelope from the Baptist Association my home church belongs to.
Last year I won a 400 dollar scholarship. I only received 200 of it. So I assumed this was the other half. Gratefully and expectantly I ripped open the letter. It was a check. But it wasn't for 200. Not even 300 or 400. 500? Nope. Try 1000.00!!

I had forgotten to reapply but still got that huge check! I stood with my mouth open for a good 5 minutes while it sunk in.
God must have been giggling and shaking His head. "Oh my dear foolish child! When will you ever learn?"

Oh that this may continue!
I feel so much stronger than I did 2 months ago. But may it never be my strength, but His!!

I am becoming.
I have opinions!!
I am learning to share of myself.
I'm learning to accept myself.
Goofy, passionate, clumsy, emotional tomboy. That's me. By the grace and pleasure of the Almighty. That's me.

He has given me wings and is teaching me to fly.
I know I will crash and burn many times along the way.
But now I am on my way to truly being a child of the King.
Smiling.
Wanting His will.
Selfless.
Unafraid.
Wide open and curious.
Ready and willing...

my song

2006-10-09T05:18:00.000-11:00

I've decided to adopt this new Superchick song, "Stand in the Rain" as my anthem:

She never slows down
She doesn't know why but,
She knows that when
Shes all alone, it feels
Like its all, coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long
And she fears if she cries
That first tear
The tears will not stop
Raining down
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when its all
Crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering
If she stands, she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She's running from wants to give up
And lie down
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when its all
Crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So how was your pizza?

2006-10-04T14:33:00.000-11:00

My new job.
What a blessing and what an interesting experience!

I know that this was totally a God thing. Every other job I had applied to in the last couple of months never called me. I had one interview. They never contacted me again. Don't know what happened there. But this time, when I received the job notification I prayed. I prayed that if it was God's will for me to have this job, if it would be good for me, that I would get it. 4 days later I had the job.

Three days I've driven to Papa John's Headquarters and called aproximately 500 numbers. Not everyone answers their phone. But I love listening to the answering machines. I have heard rap music and hispanic country music. One guy simply yelled, "THIS IS PPAAAULLLL!!! LEAVE A MMMESSSSSSAAAGGGEEE!!"
Tonight I got what seemed to be the home of a single mother. She said her name and then 4 children said their's. The littlest was a girl who must've just learned to talk. She almost didn't get her name out. It was so cute.

I have been in such a worshipful mood tonight. And, weird as it sounds, I think it's because of my job. Not only is it growing me (I'm really bad about talking on the phone) and providing for my needs while being an EASY job, but also I am amazed at the variety of people just here in our own country. So many backgrounds. So many accents. By the way, most people have been able to understand me so far! I wonder about the lives of all those I talk to. What is their religion? Are they married? Have they experienced something dreadfully painful recently? And it's awesome to think that God knows all this.

I have almost 700 people on my call list. I've talked to maybe 100 at the most. And all I know about them was whether or not they like Papa John's pizza! God knows every hair on their heads, their hearts, their fears...everything!

I'm so grateful for all the people in this crazy world. God is not a boring God. And His creation is not a boring creation!

Not only am I thankful for the people I get to randomly call at work, I am also grateful for people like the Redneck German who is bold enough to challenge beliefs all to bring us all to a better understanding of who God is.

It is amazing to think that God has prepared and is still preparing me for great things. He is preparing all His children for great things. He gives us battles to fight, victories to win and lessons to learn.

What we must remember is that it is all for His glory...
ALL for His glory!

Welcome Sweet Autumn...

2006-10-03T07:45:00.000-11:00

Ah, Fall.
My favorite season has at long last arrived. I love it for several different reasons...the color, the anticipation of the holidays...but the main reason is because Fall is the most honest season. It most matches the reality of our lives. There are sunny warm days. There are cheery cool days that beg for a walk outside, preferably in an area with alot of trees. There are cold days laden with bitter rain. And slowly, Autumn gives way to the blistering death of Winter. So goes our days. Some days we are joyful and sunny. Other days we are sober and thoughtful. Still on others, we are bitter and depressed. And slowly, ever so slowly, we die. Someone once said that we begin to die the moment we are born. How true.

I'm not trying to be morbid or induce a "bitter and depressed" day on anyone. But this is the truth of our existence. We live amidst death in an ever changing world. Autumn is a keen reminder of this. Seasons bring change. Fall itself is a time when things are still alive, but in the process of decay.

Thank God for Fall. It is an ever present reminder that we are not perfect. We live in a FALLen world. (sorry). Yet, there is still beauty. And most importantly, there is still hope.

So many dear friends of mine are dealing with much of what I am dealing with myself. Questions like:
Who am I?
How do I truly love and serve God?
Where is my life going?
What do I need to change?
What do I need to accept?
etc.

The hope of Fall lies in what happens later....

The leaves flutter from the trees.
Winter sets in,
Holding the World in its icy grip.
All seems like cold anarchy.

Then Spring comes softly.
Seeds grow,
Hope bursts from the ground.
Winter's chill is removed.

The beauty of the flowers,
Is possible only by death.
The leaves' decay,
Is what gave them life.

And it goes with us.
Only through death,
Do we truly live.

So let us die to ourselves, and live for God and one another. Then even in death, we live and make all things beautiful by the grace of God.
Romans 5.10, Col. 3.5, 2 Tim. 2.11, John 12.24-25

.....

2006-09-29T15:49:00.000-11:00

Lord, here i stand
my hands held open,
like a child.

waiting, waiting, waiting
for Your goodness poured out,
and quickly it comes.

Lord, here i am
with my heart open wide,
bitterness flies away.

trying, trying, trying
to become all that i am to be,
and You mold me.

Lord, here i cry
my eyes open wide,
and You show me

patiently, patiently, patiently
You have fought every battle,
and You have won victory.

Beat me up...

2006-09-25T15:25:00.000-11:00

"Get a friend to tell you your faults, or better still, welcome an enemy who will watch you keenly and sting you savagely. What a blessing such an irritating critic will be to a wise man, what an intolerable nuisance to a fool" C. H. Spurgeon

For all of you who consider me your friend, I'm asking you to act like this enemy.

I know that I am full of faults. I have a hard time seeing the truth. I have a hard time with trust, growth and change.

Since I want to be wise and not the fool that I am please do this for me. Point out my faults, my shortcomings, my foolishness. Don't let me rest. Make me get it right.

I'm very broken and confused right now. I need your help. Help me become who I am meant to be....

He hears...

2006-09-24T13:59:00.000-11:00

last night i prayed really hard about a certain situation.
i just got my answer.
it's not what i wanted to hear at all.
but i knew, i knew...
it doesn't surprise me.
but it still sucks.
but He is still sovereign.
somehow He can work through my foolishness...
and i pray He will.

The Storm

2006-09-22T18:23:00.000-11:00

my eyes have once again been opened...

thunder storms.
most people fear them.
there was a time when once i was among them.
then my eyes where opened.

how can man stand in defiance of God?
can a man cause a lightning bolt to sear the skies?
can a man make the thunder shake the earth?
can a man produce a single raindrop?

NAY!
it is not so.

it is the Almighty who alone directs the lightning.
He alone sets the volume of the thunder.
and He alone knows the number of the raindrops splashing from the sky.

storms are His glory displayed.
His majesty revealed.
His power made known.

we bow in humble reverence.
in awe.
in worship.

nuthin' but praise

2006-09-22T03:57:00.000-11:00

so it's too much to go into, but i would be very much amiss if i did not take a minute to say "Thank You Lord". in the last week He has been so random and good to me. it is truly amazing how much my life has changed in the last few months. the race isn't over, but for now it's on level ground...thanks be to God...

Elder is emo....

2006-09-20T21:11:00.000-11:00

By way of warning, this is going to be another crazy emotional and rambling post. I often get overwhelmed by life and sometimes my emotions attack me suddenly. Today is one of those days.

On one hand, I'm extremely excited. I just got the call that I have a new job! I will have better hours and be making 3 dollars more an hour. Also, if I decided that I wanted to work more, I will have TONS more flexibility and control in making that decision. And on a lazy note, the job is going to be easier than what I'm doing now. No more stock! No more dealing with drunk men hitting on me! (which is the only kind of men that hit on me!) No more going into the freezer which maintains a toasty -10.

On the other hand, I'm still me. :) That in itself presents a host of problems. I feel like I'm so messed up. I don't trust my feelings. I don't trust my thoughts. I don't trust my decisions. I don't trust anything because I'm afraid of trusting the wrong thing. I was encouraged by Jr. to go see Little Miss Sunshine. So, the Cool Yankee and I went. A line that stuck out to me was when Olive's grandfather said to her, "The real losers are the ones who are too afraid to even get out there and try". That's me. My whole life I've been afraid to try. Why try when it seems all I do is fail?

But I haven't failed. In my head I know that. I have only had two grades below a B in my life. In middle school I got a F in social studies and that was due to a bad teacher...true story, she taught social studies for one semster and was replaced (although she continued to teach english). The other was a C in high school chemistry. Flat out, that class kicked my asp. I'm not saying I'm smart. But I do work hard. One of the few things I can say I like about myself.

And for some strange reason, I have friends. It's hard for me to understand, but I'm trying my best to believe it when they say they love me. I just ran into a guy friend....blast! Not bad that I ran into him, but I think that's what really got all this going in my heart. Guys. Double blast! Even though I'm trying to believe that friends love me, it's even harder to believe a man could love me forever and actually want to live with me! Sometimes I feel so silly to even think about it. I mean, is it really that big of a deal? In a way, no it's not a big deal. God is all I need. I know that sounds cliche but that doesn't take away the truth of the statement. Yet, God has made us for relationship. In women, there is a wire somewhere connected to the brain that continually sends messages of longing for husband and family. I'll cut that wire if I can ever find it. Until then, I know I have to keep hanging on to God with all that I've got. And even if I do get married, for it to work out, I'll still have to keep hanging on to God with all my strength.

Ah, what a long and winding road it is that lies at my feet. I have been encouraged to work hard and to overcome. I know with God's grace I can but, oh! Right now I'm so weary. Maybe I just need to take a nap and stop typing.....

sniff

2006-09-20T04:11:00.000-11:00

So I' m really sad right now. Like, the coolest freakin' yankee in the world decided to go home and she's on her way there now. Farewell, sweet sister. I hope to see your smiling face again soon....

Shot down...

2006-09-17T16:22:00.000-11:00

I found out today that the guy I had a crush on has zero interest in me. Can't say that it surprises me. Ah well. At least now I know. Better to find out now and not later. I am a tidbit disappointed but really I'm ok with it. I also had a really encouraging discussion with a friend's wife about guys and marriage etc. I still think that I'm probably on the "Single Forever" list, but that may be just my emotion getting in the way again and God has other plans. I sure as heck hope He does. But I know that I have to seek His glory first. So if being single brings Him the most glory, hey, I'm down with that.

I am this sheep...to God be the glory and praise!

2006-09-16T16:38:00.000-11:00

On one of her daily walks, a woman visiting Switzerland happened upon a sheepfold. Venturing in, she saw the shepherd lovingly tending a sheep, which was lying on a pile of straw apart from the rest of the flock.

"It's leg is broken", the shepherd offered. Upon inquiring how such an unfortunate thing could happen, the shepherd sadly shook his head and explained that he had intentionally broken it. "Of all the sheep in my flock, this was the most wayward. It would not obey my voice and would not follow where I was leading the flock. On more than one occasion, it wandered to the edge of a perilous cliff. And not only was it disobedient-it was also leading my other sheep astray. I had no choice but to break its leg".

Shocked, the visitor exclaimed, "But what will happen when it walks again? It won't follow you after what you've done to it!"

"Not so", replied the wise shepherd. "After I broke its leg, I took the lamb some food and it tried to bite me. But after letting it lie alone hungry for a couple of days, I went back. It not only eagerly took the food, but licked my hand and showed every sign of submission and affection".

"And now", he continued, "when this sheep is well, it will be the model sheep of my entire flock. No sheep will hear my voice so quickly or follow so closely. It will be an example of devotion and obedience. Breaking its leg was an act of kindness. Through its sufferings, it will have learned to follow".

WOW

Taken from Mary Kassian Coversation Peace, 225-226 (Wow added by me!)

Thursday's Thoughts...Very Random Thoughts

2006-09-14T10:16:00.000-11:00

My brain has been bouncing all over the flippin' place in the last few days. I guess that is nothing new really, but here's a rundown...

Unfortunately, I am developing a crush on this guy who shall remain nameless. And I'm upset about it. I don't ever want to fall in love again...unless by some miracle he loves me back. Hasn't ever happened before, but could it happen? I'm skeptical. So if you have any thoughts about how to defeat these feelings, please let me know. Because the more I try to fight them off, the more they mulitply and attack. Like zombies.

It frustrates me because I want to be close to people and I don't know how. I'm so used to taking care of myself physically and emotionally, I don't know how to be vulnerable and let others in. And so people think of me as an indepedent snob. But the truth is I'm aching inside to have genuine relationships.

That makes me think of home. One thing I miss about being in a small town and knowing everyone is the hugs. I got tons of hugs everyday. I don't know if it's the culture or what, but hugs are rare here. And I miss it. I miss being little too. Letting the mud in the garden squish between my toes after a good rain. Putting up the Christmas tree. Family dinners together.

I'm such an emotional freak. Intellecutally, I know nothing. I'm all emotion and no brain. So I'm thankful for friends with brains that have kept me from a big mistake. I think that if I had gone to an emergent church without the friends that I have, I would have been sold hook, line and sinker. I'm so bad about things like that. But I've realized why emergent churches will ultimately fail. They invite you to feel God, to experience Him. But how can you feel or experience someone you don't know? If you throw out the truth about God, how can you know Him? If decided to forget everything I knew about my best friend, would she still be my best friend? Arguably not. For without those memories we would not be friends at all. I would not know her and therefore I could not experience a friendship with her.

I'm glad I'm learning good theology. A customer at my work almost stole a .69 bag of candy yesterday. She forgot to pay for it. So if she had taken it, it would've been a total accident. She was in the lane behind me when it happened and she turned to me with wide eyes and said, "I would've been answerable to God for that. Wouldn't that be something? To not get in heaven over a 69 cent bag of candy?!" Wow. I didn't know what to say. I'm so thankful that the truth of the matter is that we all sin. Daily. Grossly. But if we have put our faith in Christ, we are forgiven. God does take sin seriously. Stealing candy, intentional or unintentional is sinning and would be judged. But how awesome it is to have a God who "remebers that we are dust". (Ps 103:14) and deals with us with mercy.

Today in class we were discussing 2 Corinthians 12:1-10. One of my biggest complaints about myself these days is that I am so weak, emotionally and spiritually. This reminded me that it's ok to be weak. God is all the strength I need. I boast in Him not in me. So the size of my spiritual/emotional biceps doesn't even matter.

My randomness is almost at a close....

"Here's a riddle for ya
Find the answer
There's a reason for the world
You and I"

maybe not

2006-09-12T17:30:00.000-11:00

i was so going to pour my heart out...heh. changed my mind after i realized how ridiculous i would sound. i'm only posting this to let you guys know i do this all the time. i promise i do exercise some control over my ramblings, and if you can believe it, i think of more stupid stuff than just what i post. true story.

depressed maniac returns

2006-09-10T16:50:00.000-11:00

so i warned that i would be blogging alot, and i am.
and i warned that my posts would be all over the chart.
so far, i've been pretty upbeat. now for the slide down.

i just back from hanging out with a group of friends. 2 of them i know pretty well. the others i'm getting to know. so the problem? i'm a moron. i really want to know how much of who i am is my responsibility. am i fat because God wanted me to be or because i ate too much? am i a dork because it was God's good pleasure for me to be a dork or because i spent most of my time growing up alone and i don't know how to be normal?

people always comment on my lack of talk. our gracious host tonight, when i said it was time for me to go said, "You know what, those are the first words you've said all night." i'm that way 1) because i like to hear other people talk. i like seeing how different points of view and different personalities can all come together and have intelligent conversation and form relationships that go beyond surface level "hi's" and "how are you's". 2) i don't feel like i have much to say. i'm not smart. i don't know philosophy. i don't know movie quotes. i don't know how to frame good questions. when asked a question, i usual give a dumb answer or am forced to admit that i don't know. there's so much i don't know. so much i want to learn. but it seems my brain doesn't want to learn. and then my flippin' emotions get in the way. when i'm overwhelmed, i can't think straight.

how, HOW do i overcome all this weakness and stupidity? how do i start from square one and become a genuine person instead of a ghost? for that's what i feel i am. a ghost, walking through life. something i wrote before in a letter:
One of my favorite stories is A Christmas Carol. In it, the ghost of Marley is speaking of his wandering through the earth as a specter and he says that he “is doomed to wander through the world and witness what he can not share but might have shared and turned to happiness”. I see a group of friends talking and I know that even if I were around my friends, whatever it is in me that makes me a horrible talker would prevent me from having that kind of fellowship and conversation with anyone. As long as people just let me listen to them talk, I’m fine but if asked a question I get nervous, and even if I know the answer my mind goes blank.
i am so frustrated with myself. i am not at all the person that i want to be. and i have no clue how to get from point a to point b. i keep trying to push myself, but to no avail. i guess i need to read my post from earlier....

FIGHT!!

2006-09-10T13:34:00.000-11:00

"Success is never final; failure is never fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts". Winston Churchill

I honestly don't know where Mr. Churchill was in relation to the Gospel during his lifetime, but what an awesome quote for us who are Christians!!

"Success is never final". We never "arrive". We cannot trust our victories in the past to sustain us in the present or protect us in the future. There is a long and winding road fraught with trouble that we must run down, and called to run we are... "Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us" Heb 12.1. Too often I give up and sit down on the roadside and cry. Or worse yet, I look for shortcuts or routes that are more fun (and thus sinful because I have left the road). Running is hard work. Of all forms of exercise, running has to be my least favorite. I only like running if I feel like I'm running to something. For instance, I like running through the woods because I feel like I'm exploring, seeing what's around the next bend and over the next hill. But still, after awhile, I get tired and want to give up. The Christian life is like that. Even when we know we are running Home to Christ, we get tired and want to quit. It is in those times that we must run the hardest and focus on our goal, the will and pleasure of our King.

"Failure is never fatal". Oh how I need to be reminded of this! One of my greatest fears is failure. Maybe it is my greatest fear. Consequently, I don't try. If given a challenge, I play possum, I roll up and act dead, or at least comatose. And therefore, I don't really live. I sit wondering what could happen if I got out there and DID something. I'm slowly but surely becoming more bold. By the grace of God, I will become as bold as He wishes me to be. But for now I need to remember that failure is not fatal. When I fail, which seems to be daily, I have to keep running, no matter how bruised and broken I am.

"It is the courage to continue that counts". Continuing. Persevering. Some of the hardest aspects of life are summed up in those words. It takes great courage to fail, to sin, to be ignored, to be hurt and yet to refuse to give up or to give in.

My favorite trilogy is...well, most of you know what's coming...The Lord of the Rings. In the Return of the King, Gandalf is leading the forces of Gondor against the armies of Mordor. In one scene, a huge battering ram is being used to knock down the gate of the City (brownie points to the person who can tell me the name of the ram, and yes it has a name). Gandalf looks to the soliders whose courage is floundering and shouts, "You are soliders of Gondor. No matter what comes through that gate, you will stand your ground!" We too are called to stand our ground no matter what comes through the "Gates" of our lives. Earlier in the movie, when the hosts of Mordor first begin the battle, after knocking out the cowardly and mad Denethor, Gandalf cries out, "Prepare for battle! Defend the Walls!...FIGHT!" This too is our call. We are to daily prepare for battle, to defend what is true and right and to fight to the death no matter what. "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day..." Eph. 6.12-13. No, our fight is not against orcs, trolls and Ringwraiths. Our fight is against our sins, our world and the devil. We are not fighting orcs and our weapons are not swords (though I wish I owned one!). But we are to fight just as passionately and skillfully. We are to live so that in the end we can say with Paul, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith" 2 Tim4.7.

A Lesson Learned in March

2006-09-09T15:08:00.000-11:00

In class yesterday, when my professor was speaking on the subject of fasting, from Matthew 6, he pointed out the promise that God will repay us for our faithfulness in fasting. Then he added, "And none of the blessings of God are worthless." This statement speared me right to the heart. How often I take God's blessings for granted! A friend reminded me the other day that life is made up of the small everyday things that happen to us. There are few "big things" that happen in life. So I realized today that I have been sitting around waiting for some big event to happen in my life all the while ignoring the small things that happen everyday as a result of God's love and providence. These "small things" are actually pretty amazing: I'm alive, I'm forgiven, I'm in seminary, I'm provided for, I have friends (and no I don't pay them) and the list could go on. To make this even more ridiculous, I don't even know what the big thing is that I've been waiting for! Then tonight as I was praying, I realized that I and everyone I know needs to be convicted of two things: sin and hope. We need to be convicted of our sin. We often say we are, but how often do we realize the severity and horrible nature of sin? Our righteousness stinks to God. How much more our sin! We are corrupt, fallen. And we live in a corrupt fallen world. As I write this, someone is being murdered, a husband is being cheated on, a woman is being raped, a person in despair is contemplating suicide. But yet in the midst of all this there is hope! I am convinced that just as we need to be convicted of our sin, we need to be convicted of the hope we have in Jesus Christ! The hope that we have in Him is not a light and abstract concept! It is real and it is life-giving. I am prone to one of two extremes. Either I say to myself, "Ok, I'm a Christian so I have to smile and act happy and listen to good music etc" and all the while I'm hiding my pain and fallenness or I swing to the other side and wallow in despair blinding myself to the Light. We all need to stand firm in the hope of the Gospel. On one side is darkness, death, blood and guilt on the other is life, light, and forgiveness. Where we live is where these two meet and the Gospel is the only way to maintain our sanity and our godliness. The Gospel affirms the horror of sin and gives us proof of God's overwhelming love and mercy. So, let us not be fake and act as if nothing is wrong with us or the world. Let us be real and transparent. But also, let us not sink in despair and hopelessness. Remember forever that we are weak and sinful. But Jesus will save those who call upon His name and bless them with hope.

Illusions of romance...

2006-09-09T15:04:00.000-11:00

the bitterness of my heart set aside, i still long for someone to love
so i’ve accepted the fact that i probably will never marry
but somehow that still doesn’t take away the ache
oh how many times have i seen a beautiful sight
and wanted to say, hey look at that!
but there is no one there
words cannot retell what i’ve seen
so i keep my experience to myself
and it dies

my fingers were born to fly

2006-09-09T14:54:00.000-11:00

so it's been really rough on me these last few months while i haven't been writing. even though i am horrible at it, writing is therapy for me. when i'm upset, angry or just have alot on my mind, there is nothing like my fingers flying across the keyboard, just letting all my bitterness bleed out in words. all my presuppositions about life and most of my dreams have been shattered. the one dream i have left that i hold dear to my heart is one day publishing a book. whether or not that ever happens waits to be seen...for now, to the blog! i will probably be writing tons in the next week or so giving vent to all that has been bouncing around in the space where my brain is supposed to be. i might even post some old stuff just for a clearer picture of me and who i am and where i'm coming from...fly, fingers, fly.

Disclaimer

2006-09-08T05:30:00.000-11:00

So this is now my 3rd blog. Blog number one was deleted for the same reason that I felt this disclaimer was necessary. In the midst of posting to that blog, I started reading other people's blogs. Not only was their writing superior to mine, but their focus was much more God-centered. So out of a sense of shame for my shortcomings, I killed it. My old url, www.me-vs-me.blogspot.com is now the home of a mexican gentleman. It's all in Spanish of course, but he has some interesting pics if you want to check it out. Blog #2 was more of a filler and I think I posted once! So here we go with 3. Feel free to read and to comment. But please, don't expect too much from me. Those who know me well know that I'm going through alot of pain and growth right now and so my posts will probably range from depressed maniac to joyful saint. Please give me room to grow and grace in the process. Here we go!!